Famous Last Words: I'm Not Contagious

I'm back from the mountains with a stuffy head, an emerging cough, and a sore throat and I blame it squarely on one person: Kevin. Kevin had a horrible cold/cough on Thursday but assured me that I couldn't possibly get sick since "he wasn't contagious anymore". His reasoning seemed suspect as he was still coughing and sneezing and phlegm-ridden which told me that he still had sick germs that were, in fact, contagious.

Against my better judgement, I got into an enclosed vehicle with him and shared the same re-circulated air for over three hours there and over three hours back. At one point, he had the audacity to ask if he could take a sip out of my water bottle and was actually insulted when I told him that he most certainly could not. Despite all of my precautions, and despite Kevin's promise that he couldn't/wouldn't make me sick, AND despite his proclamations that sending good vibes to the universe (his words, not mine) would prevent illness, the fact is…I AM STILL SICK!

So, my plan for this week is to drink plenty of fluids and get a ton of rest. I don't want this little cold to turn into a several-month-long cough like it did last winter.

*cough* *wheeze* *sniffle* *sneeze* *cough*

Contemplation

So many hearts I find
Broke like yours and mine
Torn by what we've done and can't undo

Offline

Tomorrow, I'm off to Jasper to go camping in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. I won't be back until Sunday -- four fantastic days offline. This is just the getaway that I've been longing for...

Meow for now!

Irreconcilable Differences

A. and I met last night and concluded that we couldn't pursue a relationship together. It was the most amicable end that I've ever experienced. He told me earnestly that Christianity provides the meaning and purpose in his life and that he doesn't ever see that changing. I told him that I was raised believing that Jesus was just a guy, but not the son of God, and that I couldn't ever see that changing. We both looked at each other and realized that our beliefs could never be bridged.
He told me that when we were first set up on the blind date, he assumed that he wouldn't like me so he never really thought religion was something to discuss right off the bat. He believed that there would be other reasons for us to not get together. He said he didn't anticipate liking me as much as he did and then was really taken aback when he started falling for me. He said that it then began to get complicated for him because as he got to know me better he realized that there were some major viewpoints that we differed on. He said that he began to realize that it wasn't going to work in the long-term, but was reluctant to say anything because he was enjoying what was happening between us so much. He said he wanted to believe that we could just fall in love and live happily ever after but knew that wasn't the case.

There was genuine kindness and affection between us throughout the conversation. It was easy, because we both felt the same way about the inevitable end to the relationship and neither of us was trying to convince the other that the story should have a different ending.

So, that's that. My heathen life goes on... ;)

Blue

Today sucks more than my vacuum.

Alone Again, Naturally

The romance with A. has stalled, perhaps indefinitely. As I've gotten to know him better, I have learned about his very strong religious beliefs and although I would never have expected that to be an issue, it most definitely is. When we were first getting to know each other he did bring up the fact that he was (err…is) a Christian, but when I pressed him about what that meant, he was fairly elusive and I thought that meant that he was religious in the way many of my friends are (ie. going to church on major holidays, believing in something/someone out there but still living a pretty normal life) but, unfortunately that is not the case. I am not really disappointed as this is what the beginning of dating someone is all about -- learning if you are compatible. It's funny, I've never considered myself religious but I have very strong feelings when I think about my potential children attending a Christian school or going to church on the weekend. We have plans to get together tomorrow and talk more about all of this, but I am not terribly optimistic that we can bridge this gap.

In a way, however, that makes me happy. I was excited about the potential for a nice, solid, easy relationship, but upon looking at my life right now, it is really not suited for a relationship. I am like a kid in a candy store. I want a bit of this and a piece of that and I want to try that thing over there that I've never tried before. Is it possible to find someone who shares my curiosity, my sense of adventure, my desire to just go where the wind blows? I'd say it's pretty unlikely. I have tried to have an open mind and I have tried to let myself fall with a variety of people, but after the initial stages I have felt suffocated and limited by those relationships. I don't blame anyone for that, it's just me being me. A mixture of me being afraid to let go and be hurt and a mixture of me just enjoying being an independent person again.

The planets turning but I cant stand still
The clock is ticking but I cant stop time
And all I want is to be by myself
Do you think that's a crime?
-Chromeo

This Weekend...

Weekends pass far too quickly leaving me with a longing for a real vacation. I have a flight voucher good for a $400 flight anywhere that Westjet flies. Where should I go? When should I go? I've been having this inkling of just flying somewhere that I haven't been before and exploring all on my own. A mini-backpacking trip somewhere, even if it was just to Victoria or Montreal. Montreal in the fall sounds like it would be lovely place to visit. Or California -- oh, how I would love to go to California. Hmmm…

The weekend itself was a motley of experiences. There was time spent at home with ample amounts of sleep and reading and pure relaxation and then there was time spent in the throes of some crazy adventures that I am still trying to wrap my head around. I feel, in some ways, like I have reverted to the girl that I was about 5 years ago, and in my mind that is a good thing. Then, I was a confident, bold girl who always had interesting stories to tell. Something happened to that girl in my last relationship. At the end of it, I was a weak, withdrawn, pathetic version of myself. Things that I had always felt that I was good at (writing and art, for example) were placed on the backburner. It's only recently that I'm discovering that my love of music, art, and writing is something intrinsic inside me and I am happiest when I let those things flourish instead of supressing them.

I do have one regret from this weekend and that was a very intoxicated phone call made to a friend at 6am on Sunday morning. Eeeep. I have never done that before, and for good reason! Luckily, the person that I chose to call has a very good sense of humour and took my incoherent call in the best way possible. It definitely could have been worse, but it was embarrassing all the same : \ Ah well, lesson learned, I will make every effort to ensure that doesn't happen again.

Mind on the Blink

I am living a double life and it's making me tired. Last night I was up very late defying my own sensibilities, yet having a crazy good time doing so. But, I'm tired. Really, really, really tired. I've just ingested 16oz of Tim Horton's coffee and am waiting for the effects of the caffeine or sugar or both to jolt me into a more alert place.

My friend, John, rode his bike through a downpour to come meet me for beer after work yesterday. We sat by a fireplace in a pub and had a really excellent conversation over pints of Guinness (me) and Smithwick's (him). Afterwards, we parted ways and agreed that we really should get together more often.

Later, my evening took a turn in a different direction which resulted in me staying out and not crawling into bed until 3am. 3am is too late on a work night. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink

Here Comes the Sun (Supposedly)

You know you have wonderful friends when they read some vague thing that you've written that makes you sound a bit blue and they write to you and say that they are worried about you and that they love you. Awwwwww…thank you, lovely friends of mine, for being as lovely as each of you has been. It's easy on a dreary, rainy day to feel sorry for myself but then I think about how much I have and I feel like giving my head a shake! Even Phillip, who I hardly know, has proven himself to be an exquisite person as last week he sent me a package filled with Leonard Cohen recordings and some other goodies. And, even though the DVD doesn't work in my Canadian DVD player, I am still bowled over by the kindness that he showed in putting the package together (especially since I have been remiss in doing the same for him even though I promised that I would.) Phillip = good internet friend. Leah = bad internet friend.

I told my friend, Kenny, last night that I thought the world was conspiring against me. He balked and said, "of course it's not." And then I explained why I thought that it was, and his response was, "hmmm, it DOES appear the word is conspiring against you." That made me laugh and depressed me at the same time. Of course the world is not conspiring against me, but some frustrating things have happened lately. Blue moods seem to be in large supply as a number of people that I know are facing their own unique and equally blah circumstances. If you, dear reader, are happy as you read this, then celebrate that fact and please take a moment to feel fortunate that things are currently going your way!

Actually, truth be told, I'm not feeling nearly as down as I was. I have some things on the horizon to look forward to, and today I have the conviction (though not really sure where it came from) that everything is going to fall into place the way it's supposed to. Plus, tomorrow is Friday, and apparently the sun will soon be making a comeback. I love grey, rainy days but I think some sunshine would do me good.

to the point

i only have enough energy for point form right now.

today i:
- made a beautiful new friend
- got together for wine with an old friend
- planned a pretty crazy evening for tomorrow
- pondered many things

At the Same Time

Lately, my life has been feeling like a movie though I haven't determined if it's a comedy or drama or if it even fits into a nice category at all. Some days it feels most like I'm in the midst of a David Lynch film with unexpected plot twists that leave me with that "what-the-fuck-just-happened" feeling. Aggghhhh.

Everything always happens either not at all or at the same time.
- Carolyn Mark

Fall

There is a cool breeze that is making it seem more like September or October than mid-August. For me, it's blissful as I adore Fall. I love the cozy sweaters that come with the season, the yellowish-orangey-red hues that fill the landscape, and the crunching leaves under my feet. Despite this blissful weather, I've noticed that for the last couple of days I haven't felt entirely great. It's a vague feeling of something (boredom? malaise? sadness?) that I can't quite put my finger on. I don't tend to drink when I'm feeling blue, but yesterday I impulsively stopped at a liquor store, bought a bottle of red wine, and consumed most of it while I lay in a bubble bath. I got out of the tub, put on my pajamas, and crawled into bed to read for a while. Apparently, the combination of wine and hot water was too much as I drifted off to sleep with the lights on and the book on my chest. I awoke at 3am, disoriented, with Reese pouncing on my toes. She got kicked out of my room and I fell back asleep for a few more hours of sleep.

When I awoke later, there was an email in my inbox from a friend who's currently travelling abroad. Based on some things that we had been discussing she wrote, "You are such a strong girl, you continue to impress me. When I first met you all I knew was that you were adorable and very smart in a most impressive way. But the longer I know you, the more I see that you are truly one of the strongest and coolest women I know. You had a time of great suffering and I am glad that you are now able to benefit in a way from being stronger and more at peace than ever." There is such kindness in her words, and I love her for that, especially since her words came on a day when my spirits aren't quite as bright as normal.

As the day goes on, however, my outlook on life continues to get better. I just got back from a run with a couple of my co-workers which has left me with endorphins rushing through my bloodstream. It's entirely possible that my downswing in mood is completely attributable to not following a very stringent running schedule. I have to remember how good it makes me feel to exercise and make sure that I fit it in several times per week.

This evening, I'm having dinner with A. and I'm really looking forward to seeing him again. Eeep, my stomach just flip-flopped : )

I know it doesn't seem that way
But maybe it's the perfect day
- Ron Sexsmith

Rain, Rain, and more Rain

Cloudy, cold, rainy weather and an onslaught of mosquitoes weren't able to stop Kristjan and I from having a day of adventure outside. We had been talking all summer about going for a bike ride and playing in the park and yesterday we were finally able to do it. We rode to Hawrelek Park and played Aerobie amid kite-fliers and families having picnics. When the rain started falling, we decided to move on, winding our way up and down hills in the river valley. We were intrepid adventurers, stopping only for cherries, coffee, and to wait out a brief downpour. It was a fun day that reminded me how lovely the river valley is, and how exhilarating it can feel to spend an entire day outside.

Sunset

Tonight was such a beautiful evening. A. and I went for another walk together -- this time we sat by the river watching the sun set. We do the most romantic things, but they never seem contrived or cheesy. We walked holding hands and I felt such a sense of wonder at how easy all of this has been. No drama or worry or guilt or anything --it all feels like it's unfolding exactly as it's supposed to. He turned to me and gently kissed me as the wind rustled through the trees and when I shivered he wrapped his arms around me and I felt my whole body melt into him. Our night was cut short because a friend of his was arriving from out of town and they are going away for the weekend. I won't see him again until next week but that feels completely okay. I love spending time with him, but I haven't gone completely crazy where I'm desiring to be with him every moment of every day. It all feels exceptionally healthy and nice. This might just be the most "normal" start to a relationship that I've ever had.

I've started to wonder what he might think about me writing about him like this and I'm feeling like I'm going to have to stop now that things seem to be getting more serious. It's one thing to recount dates when they are informal and not very serious, but I don't have any desire to publish every detail of our relationship in a public forum (and really, I'm sure that none of you desire to read that anyways!) So, we've kissed and held hands and are edging closer to dating and that's where the public part of this story will end.

Okay

The day is hectic with five different to-do lists on my desk, deadlines pressing, telephones ringing, and emails demanding all sorts of different things. I dash away for 30 minutes to take my cat to the veterinarian and when I come back the red light is blinking on my phone. It's a message from a friend who wants to tell me that I crossed his mind today and he's thought about everything that we'd been recently discussing, and he's come to the realization that it's all going to be alright, and he just wants me to know that. He says that our friendship isn't going to just disappear. Suddenly, the day slows down to a near stop, a tear rolls down one cheek, and I take a deep breath and don't even try to hide the goofy smile that appears on my face.

Dreaming

My soul is as open as the sky
Often times it’s just as blue
People tell me to keep on dreaming
That’s just what I’m gonna do
-Amos Lee

Poor Lil' Reese

Awwww :(

Last year Reese developed a case of Eosinophilic Granuloma which is a fairly common skin disease that cats can develop when they are allergic to something in their environment. She was given a steroid shot which completely treated her in a day or so. The vet said that some cats only get it one time and some cats get it again and again. Apparently, Reese is going to be the type that gets it repeatedly. The disease causes a little bump to form under her mouth which swells and can get really painful making the cat not want to eat. The steroid shots help but they also put her at risk of developing diabetes. Not very good.

Recap

This weekend was filled with lots of happy moments that totally restored my spirit : ) My ears, mind, and heart are filled with the wonderful music that I heard at the Folk Festival. I discovered some new artists who are definitely going to be on steady rotation in my stereo and I had the opportunity to see some artists that I've always wanted to see live. As well, I caught up with a good friend and had a stellar date! Not bad for one weekend.

Some artists that you've probably never heard of, but should check out:

Alexi Murdoch (United Kingdom) - a gifted singer/songwriter with a voice like Nick Drake. He stood up on the stage and sounded like he was laying out his heart for all of us to bear witness to.
Amos Lee (United States) - his sound is a mix of soulful funk and blues. He's been described as a cross between James Taylor, Bill Withers and Otis Redding, but I believe he has a sound all of his own. I bought his cd and haven't been able to turn it off yet.
The Johnny Clegg Band (South Africa)- I'm not even sure how to describe this music. It was toe-tapping, body shaking, and smile inducing though : ) A mix of traditional South African music with hip hop, rock, and other musical genres.
Fiamma Funama (Italy) - I didn't get a chance to see this band, but every single person that I talked to who did, raved on and on about them. Apparently, the music is a mix of traditional Italian music with electronica. I saw their cd listed each song with the beats per minute beside it (and it definitely looks like fun, danceable music.)

And, finally, for those of you following the emerging romance with A. - we had our first kiss this weekend and it was everything I hoped it would be (with butterflies in my stomach and all.)

Cuckoo!

Remember when I wrote the following?

There's one person, in particular, who despite saying that she doesn't care about me or my life, continues to pop in and out of it. I sincerely wish that she would just leave me alone. There were a few months where I didn't hear a thing from her and it was so nice. Then, the day before yesterday, out of the blue, she wrote to me about something pretty odd. As soon as a dialogue began between us, it quickly went downhill. Because of that, I told her that it's better that we just steer clear of each other. I do not mean that in a malicious way, I just feel that she isn't someone I want a part of any aspect of my life. I don't trust her and I don't feel that there's any need for interaction between us. I wish she would understand that and respect my desire to be left alone. Hopefully, this time that will be what actually happens. It gets tiring having the same conversation over and over and over again.

Well, surprise, surprise, Morgan popped back into my life this week. I made a decision after I wrote the entry above that I was going to just delete anything she sent to me and I was just going to put her on ignore mode. And that's exactly what I did. She sent me two messages that I promptly deleted and then she got her boyfriend (my ex-boyfriend) to contact me and ask me to just give her a chance and read what she had to say. What a mistake. It reminded me of why I told myself I was just going to delete her messages. I was sucked in this time, but I've learned my lesson. It doesn't really matter what she says now, she is going to be promptly deleted with one quick click.

I don't really enjoy having to continually deal with this again and again but I'm finding that I'm getting better at just letting it roll off me. There is far too much good happening in my life to let her ruin my peace of mind. So, enough about her, back to my regularly schedule life : )

People are crazy and times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range
I used to care , but things have changed
- Bob Dylan

Glowbug

Wednesday evenings are always hectic with me racing home from work to go running and then racing from running to go meditate. Sometimes after work I feel like doing neither and curling up on the couch, but when I force myself to just go and do those things, like tonight, I find myself absolutely glowing late in the evening. It further convinces me that I'm spending my time well.

Today was my hill training night and I decided to just go on my own instead of joining the Running Room group that I normally train with. Daniel was home when I was about to leave and asked if I'd mind him joining me. The two of us headed out to Cloverdale Hill with the blazing sun on our backs and ran up and down it repeatedly. He is in incredible shape so he hardly even seemed to be breathing hard at the top of the hill, while I can only dream of being that fit. I don't feel too bad because he is considering applying to the police (either in Switzerland or here) and is following a pretty regimented fitness routine.

He is turning out to be a better roommate than I could have even imagined. He isn't tolerated in my place, he's become a welcome addition -- someone I look forward to talking to when I turn my key in the door.

After the meditation sit we were shown a documentary about how Vipassana has been used to completely revamp the prison system in India. It was astounding to see the changes in the prisoners before and after. The film didn't just show Indian prisoners, it showed several foreigners who have been imprisoned for a number of years. As you can imagine, the Indian justice system is quite different from North America. One of the men profiled in the film was a young man in his mid-to-late twenties from Australia who was caught in India with some hash. He still hadn't stood trial but had been in prison for about 4 years! His case could come up in a month or it could take several more years before it is even heard. Keep in mind he hadn't been convicted of anything, just accused. Imagine being in that situation. At first, he was bitter and angry and devastated by the circumstances but the practice of Vipassana has helped him accept things and has given him a completely new outlook on life. It was a really powerful demonstration of mind over matter. If any of you are interested in seeing this documentary, I have a copy that I'd be happy to show you...just ask : )

A.

Tonight I went out with A. again and it was a really lovely night. We went to see Batman Begins which was a spectacular movie. I was a little skeptical about it because it's not the sort of movie I'd normally jump to see, but it was fantastic and I'd highly recommend it to any of you who haven't already seen it. Through the movie, A.'s shoulder and mine would touch ever-so-slightly but neither of us would move away. It's interesting being at the stage where the an almost non-existant touch (which might have even been accidental) ends up sending tingles through my body.

After the movie, we decided to go for a walk through the river valley. It was a gorgeous evening with the sun just beginning to set and the two of us talking and laughing easily. I'm sure if anyone saw us they would have thought that we were a well-established couple. We walked along the river talking about all sorts of different things, never tiring of each other, and an excited, slightly nervous dialogue between us. He told me he worried that he talked too much and I laughed and told him that I thought that I talked too much. We ended up at the legislature grounds, by the wading pool, where he half-heartedly suggested we jump in (we didn't). We sat and talked about past relationships and our thoughts on where we are at in our respective lives.

We both were getting chilly so we decided to depart taking the long winding route back. We came across a playground in Riverdale and swung under the starry sky. It was a wonderfully sweet moment.

I like him. I like the way he moves through the world. He is intelligent and curious and funny. He asks me questions that make me think. Yes, I like him, but I'm not sure how he feels about me. When we said goodnight there was a slightly awkward moment where we lingered in the car talking and then he finally reached over and gave me a hug. I wanted to kiss him, I kept staring at his beautiful lips, but I just couldn't do it. Ahhh, I feel like I'm in high school again but in that good way : )

A Fitful August Eve

Last night, as I was crawling into my freshly laundered sheets that were tucked in tight perfection, I noticed that something was amiss. Reese was nowhere to be seen. She usually retires to my room with me late at night and takes up residence at the foot of my bed. All of a sudden, a wave of panic went through me. What if she was curled up at the end of Daniel's bed? It was a weird moment. I had to remind myself that I was feeling jealous of where my cat's affections resided. About a half hour later, she lept up onto the bed and came right over to me purring and nudging her head against my cheek. It was like she knew that I needed reassurance that she still favoured me. I'm embarrassed to admit that I felt possesive of my cat, but I did. Someone sound the crazy cat person alarm, please : )

Even with Reese happily purring in my room, I was unable to fall asleep easily. My mind was racing madly and all I could do was let it roll and tumble along until it naturally settled down. When restless nights come along, there is usually a reason, and instead of distracting myself by subduing the feeling, I'm more content to just let it run its course. I've learned that the smoky haze of intoxification distorts and distracts but it doesn't make anything disappear. The Magnetic Field's "Asleep and Dreaming" played in harmony with the fan that was ineffectually cooling the room.

I've seen you laugh at nothing at all.
I've seen you sadly weeping.
The sweetest thing I ever saw was you asleep and dreaming.
I've seen you when your ship came in and when your train was leaving.
The sweetest thing I ever saw was you asleep and dreaming.
Well, you may not be beautiful, but it's not for me to judge.
I don't know if you're beautiful because I love you too much.

Weekend Recap

I've had quite a bit to write about this weekend but it has been so busy that I've been everywhere except near my computer. I won't go into a blow-by-blow of the entire weekend but I will say that it was a great one : ) Some highlights include:

- A. (from the blind date) called and asked me out on another date (yay!)
- Saw Carolyn Mark play at the Sidetrack Cafe (she was excellent!)
- My new roommate, Daniel, moved into my condo
- Almost bought a brand new car but changed my mind since I could only get the car I wanted in red
- Had an experience that Anais Nin would have been proud of
- Had 2 bellinis and a delicious strawberry margarita (mmmm...summer is for slushy drinks on patios!)
- Received a nice email from Phillip

My condo has a different feel with Daniel now living here. It feels more alive and vibrant with another human wandering around. We took a trip to Ikea today so he could buy a bed and some other furnishings and spent the afternoon assembling furniture and rearranging the place. After spending an entire day with him, I'm pretty confident that we are going to make good roommates.

Oh, I have so much more that I want to write but I feel clumsy and illiterate tonight. So, I'll end things here. Hope everyone else had good long weekends (or regular weekends for those of you who don't live in Canada.)

What a secret language we talk, undertones, overtones, nuances, abstractions, symbols.
- Anais Nin