Vancouver Bound

Tonight I leave for Vancouver, one of my favourite cities! When I was hired for my first job out of university I was told that I was being transferred there. I found a great apartment in False Creek, booked the moving company, and excitedly prepared to leave. At the last minute, however, the company I was working for decided to promote me and keep me in their Calgary head office so my transfer was cancelled. Despite this, I still managed to go to Vancouver quite a lot that year. My ex-boyfriend had also been transferred to Vancouver and there were still embers burning between us. I clearly remember leaving direct from work many Friday afternoons to catch a flight and then flying home with my heart aching a little bit late Sunday nights. Oh, how I loved that boy and oh, how he broke my heart!

It's funny though, I'm sure that I went through a lot of pain during that period (rereading my journals from that time confirms it) but I don't really remember any of that. When I think about that time the most vivid memories are the happy ones. The memories of walking along the sea wall hand-in-hand, of going out to exquisite restaurants, of laughing together, of trips to Seattle, etc. One of my fondest memories of the two of us happened before he had even moved out there. One Friday when we were both at our dull, boring jobs he sent me an email saying "do you want to go to Vancouver after work tonight?" Impulsively, we decided to throw a few things together and drive from Calgary to Vancouver. We drove all night, taking turns twisting our way through the mountains, listening to music, and just being content in each other's company. We had one night there and had to turn around and drive home. It was ridiculous but wonderful.

I often wonder how different my life would be if I had moved there. Would I be happier? Would I begin to hate the rain? Would he and I have reconciled? Would I be closer (emotionally) to my brother who lives there? Who knows. There's no point in dwelling in the past but it really makes me aware of the fact that each time we make a decision we are embracing some things and leaving others behind. It also makes me confident that the painful aspects of my most recent relationship ending will soon be replaced with all of the happy ones.

This will be the longest that I'm away from Reese and I suspect that she sensed that something was up. She was so affectionate this morning as I was leaving for work that it was hard to say goodbye. I know she will be in good hands and will have a cat playmate for the next week but I will still worry about her.

Pssst...Kevin, if you are reading this, please stop whatever you are doing and give Reese a scratch behind the ears for me : )

Blech

Messageboards are funny things. People take on certain personas which may or may not be an accurate depiction of who they are. Given enough time, the typed names develop into 3D characters but, in the end, they are just that: characters. I've frequented this messageboard for a number of years. Some days it's comical, some days it's enlightening, some days it's frustrating, and some days I swear I'm going to quit and never come back again.

Over the last few weeks I've been rather bitchy to someone on there. I'm not going to say that I didn't realize what I was doing because I did, however, I let anger get in the way of thinking through my actions. It took a good friend sitting me down and telling me that my behaviour wasn't really appreciated to get me to realize that I was being rather overdramatic and ridiculous. The fact is, things are going to happen in life that are disappointing and upsetting and we choose how we react to those situations. One response is acceptance of the reality of a given situation (good) while another response is to throw a temper tantrum in front of everyone (bad). I'm not proud of admitting that this year I've tended to opt for option number 2.

I've apologized to the person that was affected by my bitchy outbursts but this isn't the first time I've done something like this to her. In addition, she isn't the only person I've acted badly towards this year. It's difficult to take a long, hard look at yourself and see a bunch of flaws. It's difficult to think: maybe a lot of my "problems" are directly related to things that I've done and choices that I've made.

I've resolved in my own mind to be more cognizant of my actions and not repeat the same patterns over and over again. I think I've definitely come to realize that I should remain silent when angry because I tend to think rather irrationally which leads to me saying things I later regret. I've also come to realize that with a messageboard comes a certain degree of power. There is a captivated audience who gobbles up any sort of drama handed to them. It is not in my best interest to feed that.

So, the long and short of it is, I want to put all of this behind me and turn a new page. This isn't the first time I've said that either so there is no use trying to convince anyone of that. The proof will be in my actions and that will only be seen in time.

Soaring Spirits

On Monday nights for the past little while I've been group leading a "learn to run" group. Basically, I just lead a group running, set the pace, answer any questions they have, and provide moral support. It's been fun because it was only a short while ago that I took the very same course as a "newbie". Tonight I was asked to lead the fast group and it provided a pretty decent challenge for me. I ran at a much faster pace than was comfortable for me but given that I was LEADING I didn't want to have to stop and/or slow down and/or show that I was dying! However, I was dying by the end! These sorts of experiences help build mental fortitude though. There are always moments on each run where I think that I'd like to stop and just sit down for a while but when I keep going I always feel incredibly proud of myself.

After the run I met some good friends for sushi. Mmmm! My spirits have been soaring this week. I think it must be the excitment of all the things I'm looking forward to in the next little while.

Better than good

Today was a day filled with reconnecting with friends and it was absolutely wonderful in every which way.

Taboo

Julia and Stefan were in Edmonton briefly before heading out tree planting and I had a chance to visit with them last night. A bunch of us got together and played Taboo and Scattergories. I forgot how much fun a night of playing board games can be!

On the agenda for today: a bike ride! The first bike ride of the season : )

Adele

I'm finally feeling better. A lot better. In some ways it is interesting that I got that sick around this time of the year. Almost exactly 15 years ago (April 27th, 1990) my mom died from a long fight with cancer. Every year around this time of the year I end up thinking a lot about that time. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for my mom to be sick for so long. Not only did she not feel good, she was coming to terms with her own mortality, and thoughts about how my brother and I would cope without her. That must have been incredibly tough. When I was lying in bed this week I had a small taste of what it might have been like for her. Of course, I got out of bed in a week and am carrying on with my life when she wasn't able to do that. And bronchitis isn't exactly ovarian cancer. It isn't even close.

When my mom first died I thought about how unfair it was for me. As time goes on, however, I think about how unfair it was for her. When she died, she was only 12 years older than I am right now. I'm sure when she was 28, she thought about the future as being something intangible. She couldn't have predicted that life would end so quickly for her. What about all of her dreams that didn't happen? What about all of the things that she wanted to say? The things she wanted to do?

The end of April is always an emotional time for me. It doesn't help that stores and advertisers begin to focus on Mother's Day. In Chapter's they have books perfect for a mother/daughter to read together. There are articles in the paper about the importance of the mother/daughter bond. Everywhere I look I am reminded of how wrong I am --of what exactly is missing from my life. It's partly why I decided to register for a race at that time. For some reason, whenever I run, I feel really close to my mom. She wasn't a runner but I always have this sense that she is with me on my runs. I know how flakey that sounds and I can't really explain it other than to say that it is a really powerful feeling.

I wish that I was a better writer. I wish that I could more adequately express the person that she was. When she died, several of us sat around and decided to come up with 4 words that described her to put on her headstone. We came up with: vivacious, compassionate, enthusiastic, and sincere. Those words rattle around in my head far more than most people think. I don't just want people to think that those words describe me too, I want to actually live my life in a way that makes those words true for me.

Lost in Dreamland

Those who have compared our life to a dream were right...We sleeping wake, and waking sleep. ~Michel de Montaigne

The last week or so has felt like a strange mix of dreaming and being awake and a lot of confusion between the two. I've had some extremely odd dreams which seemed so real that I'm still sorting through what has actually happened in my life and what was only imagined. I'm sure that this isn't uncommon when you combine exhaustion from illness with an opiate but it was my first experience with such a prolonged altered state. It was definitely interesting but I'm ready to come back to the real world.

Last night was the last instructional night before the Vancouver 1/2 Marathon. It made me feel quite anxious because most of the other people already have 20km runs behind them and the most I've ever completed was 18km and that was a while ago. We are supposed to start "tapering" (running less) but I don't feel ready for that at all. Originally, I was training for a 2hr 15min completion time but I think I'm going to bump myself back to the 2hr 30min group to make sure that I can make it. I figure that if I finish this race slower it will just give me more opportunities to beat my time in later races : )

Coffee in Tea Shops

Tonight, while standing (metaphorically) across the room from each other, our eyes met. For a while, we stared at each other until I, feeling uncomfortable, had to look away.

Your nonchalance infuriates me but it also makes me admire you a little bit. It's kind of like the time we argued about tea shops and whether they did or did not serve coffee. You were right, and though I was loathe to admit it, I got an absolute kick out of that.

What I said:
Okay, goodnight.

What I wanted to say:
And when you're dancing and laughing
And finally living
Hear my voice in your head
And think of me kindly

On the mend (hopefully)

I'm feeling marginally better today than I have for the last week or so. I hope that means I'm on the mend. I finally went to a doctor, yesterday, who told me that I have acute bronchitis and should have come in much earlier (I thought it was just a cold). I've been put on some antibiotics (which seems strange since bronchitis is generally caused by viruses) and given some potent codeine cough syrup. With two teaspoons of the cough syrup I was finally able to get a good sleep last night. The doctor also told me not to run until I stop coughing. As a result, I missed my 20km run that was supposed to happen on Sunday. This is most disappointing as I can feel my fitness level slowly diminishing with each day that goes by that I'm not physically active. I hope to get back to running in the next few days.

*cough*

stomach.hurts.from.coughing.

still really sick :(

*Sniffle*

Ohhhhhhhh :( I am sick. It started with a bit of a sore throat and turned into a full blown cold last night/early this morning. My energy has been sapped and I just feel like crawling into bed and not coming out! Thankfully I just have to get through one more day of work and I will have the weekend to recover.

Linux

Alright, I've given in. I'm tired of not knowing how to use Linux proficiently. I'm tired of relying on geeky boys to help me. I am taking control! I have bought the following book and I am going to be a Linux master in no time! I think...

Possibilities

Today was a spectacular day at work! I have been asked to work on a very interesting project and I can't wait to get started! This project involves a very hot topic that has been making headlines all over the world. It's a chance for me to possibly do some actual research and I'm starting to dream of where that could take me (visions of a masters thesis have already begun to dance in my head!)

Lately, I've been given a lot more responsibility at my job. I'm soon going to be supervising two people who are going to work on a special project that I'm managing. Frankly, the idea of supervising anyone is a little daunting but I think I'm up for the challenge. As well, I continue to be brought into meetings with my boss to give my opinion on various courses of action. It's all a little overwhelming but is definitely going to give me some valuable experience.

Oooh, and I got a raise today! So, it really was an awesome day.

Myers-Briggs

Something that I've always found quite interesting is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. For those who are unfamiliar with what this is, here is a little bit about the MBTI (taken from the official MBTI website):

The purpose of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI) personality inventory is to make the theory of psychological types described by C. G. Jung understandable and useful in peoples lives. The essence of the theory is that much seemingly random variation in the behavior is actually quite orderly and consistent, being due to basic difference in the way individual prefer to use their perception and judgment.

There are 16 personality types based on 4 dimensions of personality. Extroversion vs Introversion, Intuition vs Sensing, Feeling vs Thinking, and Perceiving vs Judging. For more information, you should go here

I was going through some of my old psychology books this weekend and I found the MBTI results from an official test that I took a while ago. It shows that I am an ENFP. Typelogic.com has a really good writeup on the various personality types and I thought I'd post mine with some comments. In my opinion, it is a very accurate description of me. So, for those of you who don't know me all that well, this might explain a little more about me. Beware: the following is pretty lengthy!

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

This is very true for me. Intuition refers to thinking in terms of possibilities, concepts, and theories as opposed to concrete facts, the tangible, and the here-and-now. Someone who takes things in primarily through intuition would understand an overall concept but may not be able to explain the detailed facts.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

As far as striving to make the most out of life, I'd say that's true. One of my biggest fears is to just watch my life go by without really living. The weeks that make me most unhappy are when I feel like life has become very monotonous. I love trying new things and get very excited by both the newness of the experience and the possibility of what positive things could come out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values.

This is somewhat true for me. I definitely have a strong sense of what I belive is wrong and what I believe is right and it would be very difficult to do things on a consistent basis that went against something that I believed in. However, I don't think I seem directionless or without purpose. I feel that I'm quite driven and being successful (success being defined by my own value system) is important to me.

An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

This part seems to hit especially close to home. I find it very exhausting and upsetting when I feel like I'm not being the "real" me. There have been times where I've done things that don't seem very "Leah-like" and it always throws me off.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other extroverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

This is one of the biggest challenges for me. I get very excited at the prospect of starting a new project and it seems that the enthusiasm fades over time and sometimes those projects never quite get finished.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

My interpersonal relationships are really important to me. I think that's one of the reasons that conflict within my group of friends, family, or partners is extremely difficult for me. I think that I do have a strong need to be liked. It's funny because sometimes I find myself getting upset when someone doesn't appear to like me even if I, myself, don't really like that person. I'm slowly starting to realize that worrying about such things is a waste of time and energy.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivious to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.

Very accurate. I can think of nothing more boring than paying bills and dealing with minor things around my place. I see doing laundry or house-cleaning as an unfortunate necessity in life that I avoid as much as possible. Given the choice between mundane tasks and pretty much anything else I always choose the anything else.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

I don't think that I'm manipulative but reading this passage made me feel slightly uneasy. I suppose it's something that I should be aware of. It's certainly not something I do intentionally but more and more I'm realizing that good intentions do not just absolve bad outcomes.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

Yes. This normally plays itself in my life in the following way:

• I perceive that someone is upset about something.
• I decide that they must be upset about something I've done or said.
• I get upset that they are upset with me.

Later I find out that it had nothing to do with me at all and regret jumping to conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

In my previous relationships I don't think I've always been looking for something better. Generally, when I decide to be with someone I put my heart into the relationship and try to make it work. I do like fun and excitement in my life but I have found that it's possible to achieve this within a relationship.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

This is very accurate. I don't like when my schedule feels inflexible and there are a lot of unchangeable demands. I love flexibility and I think that's part of what I really like about my current position. There is a lot of challenge but it is always changing and each day is a little bit different. In addition, I have very little supervision and am given pretty wide range to do my work the way I see fit.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

Interesting, isn't it? Of course, I realize that it's not the gospel but it does give some insight into the "why" of behaviour. Now, the question is, what does one do with that insight? It is fine to be able to explain behaviour but does that change how one approaches future situations? Does knowing why make a person more adept at working on his/her weak areas or does the person simply say "this is who I am - take me or leave me." Also, do you believe that people can be fit into 16 personality types or are people more complicated than that? If any of you have taken the MBTI I'd be interested to know your type. I'd also be interested to hear any comments you might have on personality typologies.

Epilogue

A couple of months ago I met a guy who really deceived me. I won't go into the long story about why and how that happened, but suffice it to say he definitely pulled one over on me. This deception resulted in me purchasing an airline ticket for him and then being out the money for it. When I told a few friends about this they thought it was pretty unlikely that I would ever get the money back however, I did! Not only did he pay for half of the airline ticket, he transferred the airline credit into my name so I also have a $400 credit to go somewhere. It worked out much better than expected. I would have preferred for the whole situation to never have happened but am quite relieved that it had a good resolution. I don't think that I'm naive but I do like to believe that more often than not people follow through on their word.

Now, I just have to decide where I want my airline ticket to take me. I have a year to use the credit. Hmmm...any suggestions?

Music

The last two days have been filled with music. Last night I saw Felix da Housecat
at the Standard. It was a fun show and I danced with a big smile on my face. At the end of the night a friend remarked that it sure looked like I was having fun. The old Leah is coming around : ) Then, tonight after having dinner and drinks with a friend, I've been sitting up listening to some of my favourite albums.

I love Bob Dylan. He is one of my favourite songwriters. Tonight I listened to the whole Planet Waves album from beginning to end and was reminded of its absolute brilliance. It was written just before his breakup with his wife Sara. It is written from the standpoint of someone very much in love but recognizing that there are, perhaps, irreconcilable differences. The overall tone is cheerful and romantic. In fact, he called it Planet Waves because he felt that he was in a good place with the planets aligned. It is in such sharp contrast to his next album, Blood on the Tracks, which is the ultimate breakup album.



This is an excerpt from one of the sweetest love songs on the album ("You angel you"):
You angel you
You're as fine as anything's fine
The way you walk and the way you talk
It sure plays on my mind

You know I can't sleep at night for trying,
Never did feel this way before
I get up at night and walk the floor
If this is love then gimme more
And more and more and more and more

Tomorrow more music at the GOMP party.

Celadon

There is no feeling in a human heart
which exists in that heart alone--
which is not, in some form or degree,
in every heart.
- George Macdonald (1824-1905)

Feelings can be messy. They can pour out and overflow without one even intending on that occurring. But, sharing something felt deeply can result in understanding, and that makes it all worth it.

Between Me and You

I came across this book the other day and impulsively bought it. It's intended for a son or daughter to give to his/her father and have them fill it out and return. It asks all sorts of questions that children are often curious to ask their parents but often don't get around to actually asking. Things like:

When did you know that you were in love with Mom?
What was your favourite band growing up?
What do you think is my best quality? My worst?
What characteristics do you think we share?
As you think of your life so far, what are you most proud of?

You get the picture. These are the questions that perfect families would answer just by interacting with each other. My family, however, isn't quite perfect but that doesn't diminish my curiosity to learn more about my Dad and his thoughts.

So, I'm pondering whether I'll give it to him or not. I'm not sure what his reaction would be. I'm not sure if he'd actually fill it out. I'm leaning towards thinking that it's worth a try and hoping that he'll be flattered that I am interested in his thoughts.

Firefly

I am lucky: I have friends with exceptional taste in music. I have one friend who has more music than anyone I know. His bedroom is like a record store, except better, because odds are any disc picked at random would be a good one. Every time I go visit him he lends me a few albums that he thinks I'll like. He hasn't been wrong yet!

Take a listen to this song which has been stuck in my head all day. In a good way.

I'd like to tell you but I just don't know
That you're the firefly that makes me glow
I'd like to tell you but I just can't decide
So I wax and I wane and I wonder about you after all

Firefly
Firefly
You're my firefly
Face it, I like you, firefly

- from "Firefly" by Dierdre

Bliss

"... No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one’s existence,--that which makes its truth, its meaning--its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream--alone...."

That being said, I'll try and convey the life-sensation that I felt this weekend. In one word: bliss. Suddenly, without any substantive effort on my part, the fog that had settled around me lifted. It felt like waking up from a long, fitful sleep and realizing that it was all only a bad dream.

I sat at the top of a parking garage with a good friend on a windy but warm evening. The air smelled like summer. I wrapped my hands around a warm coffee and smiled at how something so simple could feel so nice. We watched people who didn't know we were watching them. We then got called, literally, to go back to the music and the mayhem.

I entered the smoky, crowded club and was met by so many lovely, smiling faces. There was an electric feeling in the air. Old friends came and embraced me with a warmth that can only come from familiarity. It was so deliciously overwhelming that I had to just stop and take it all in.

What a contrast to the night a couple months ago when I walked across the High Level Bridge and looked over the edge wondering whether I would feel pain if I struck the ground from that height.

One more month

It has come down to the last month before I run my first 1/2 marathon. It's hard to believe that last September I could hardly run for 5 minutes straight and now my long runs take about 150 minutes. Now, I'll be the first to tell you that completing a 1/2 marathon is hardly an astonishing feat -- most people could do it given the right amount of training -- but what has been fascinating to me is the transformation of my body and mind.

From a purely physical standpoint my body has changed dramatically. My legs have well-developed muscles that were not there before. My waist-size has decreased by about two sizes and my face has lost the extra puffiness that it once had. I am less tired all the time, I breathe deeper and I feel like my body can do what I want it to. If this sounds like vanity, it is far from that. It is more of a pure curiosity at the way that the human body can adapt and become a finer tuned machine.

From a mental perspective, running has helped me learn a great deal about myself. It has taught me that I have tenacity and resilience (thank you hill running!). It has shown me that my competitive nature is strongest when I am competing against myself. The long runs have allowed my mind to drift and have enabled me to experience a natural euphoria that I didn't know could be created by exercise alone.

This whole experience has been life-changing and I say that without the slightest bit of hyperbole.

strange how certain the journey
time unfolds the petals for our eyes to see

Too much information

Do we really need to know that the pope has a urinary tract infection? Why do news agencies think that this is the kind of news that people are looking for?

Here's some information that you might actually want to know:

There is a really good outdoor gear sale at The Mayfield Trade Centre (16615 109th Ave) from March 31st - April 3rd. I went tonight and bought a cool headlamp for $9.99, some nice Wigwam socks for $4.99, and a pair of Ryder's sunglasses for $14.99. I was very tempted to buy a tent but thought that was too big of a purchase to buy impulsively without doing any research. I may go back this weekend to pick one up though.