Flash Crash Boom

I had a bad day today. I felt like forces were working against me, making everything more difficult and more stressful and more upsetting than any of it should have been. On top of that, every word I uttered seemed misinterpreted and I seemed to bristle feathers wherever I went.

Storms have been brewing in the hot afternoons which provide a visual representation of the storms that have been brewing inside me this week. All I've wanted to do is sit on a big hill and look out on the horizon and think. I've wanted to wander into cozy coffeeshops with my journal in hand and write. I've wanted to daydream through the day about the future so that I can understand what it is exactly that I'm hoping for. Yet, I haven't been able to do any of those things because my days are insanely busy right now at work and my nights have all been booked with other stuff. I'm lost, disconnected, and feeling a bit overwhelmed.

In response to these feelings, I booked some actual vacation time today so that I can have some time to myself to relax, think, decompress, and destress. I will be off from August 5th until August 18th...16 glorious days of vacation! And, right in the middle of that is Shambhala, something I've been looking forward to all year. It's nice, especially on bad days, to have wonderful things to look forward to.

Sweethearts on Parade

This weekend Eli and I went to Calgary to kill a few birds with one stone. I still hadn't told my Dad and stepmom about our move to Toronto and decided that telling them in person was better than over the phone. Eli had to work a show in Calgary on Saturday night so the timing was perfect for a little road trip.

We decided that it was better if I sat down with my Dad and stepmom alone and told them the news so that they could be free to say whatever they wanted. I was nervous. I didn't expect them to have a strong negative reaction but my family is, well, unpredictable. I sat down with them and just blurted out, "I have news" and my stepmom responded with "you're engaged?!" I then explained that I was not engaged but was moving away. My dad focused on the logistical details (what are you going to do with your condo? What about a job? Where will you live?) but I was expecting that. Overall, it went pretty well and when Eli came back my Dad congratulated him on his new job and seemed happy for us.

After sharing our big news, we headed to the venue where M. Ward would be playing later in the evening. My roomate, Amy, was opening the show. I sat in on sound check and then joined Eli, Amy and her boyfriend, and Matt and his wife for dinner. Matt was a really nice, down-to-earth guy. It's amazing that he was recently touring with Bruce Springsteen and REM and was now doing a 200 person show in Calgary. His performance was so impressive. His voice is low and soulful and his guitar playing was jaw-dropping. One of my best friends, Jen, and her husband, Bob, joined us at the show which made the evening that much nicer.

Later, when the show was over, Eli and I went to the resevoir by my parent's place and sat on the dock looking out at the water. It was after 1am but the air was still really warm. Eli's skin glowed in the moonlight and I remember thinking that he looked particularly handsome. We walked back hand-in-hand and my heart swelled with happiness.

Oh love is so good
When you're treated like you should be
The sky goes on forever in a symphony of song
- M. Ward

Big News

I haven't been posting much at all even though I've had a lot to say. The reason? I have big news that I've had to keep under wraps until now and it was difficult to write without talking about what was *really* on my mind.

In October I'm going to be moving eastward, across Canada, and making Toronto my new home. Eli landed a cool job with Six Shooter Records and after a LOT of talking and thinking and talking and thinking, we have decided to make the move together. I'm really excited and about a hundred other emotions all combined. At this point, I'm not sure exactly what I'll do there but I've started making enquiries and applying for jobs. I have some contacts at the Toronto Police and have been told that there might be some positions posted by the end of the year. I'm also contemplating grad school for Fall 2007. There are so many options!

The time is going to pass really quickly between now and then and we both have a lot to do before we go. I have to decide if I'm going to sell my condo or rent it, we have to figure out how to move all our stuff across the country, and we need to find a place to live. Still, I've told myself to not get too overwhelmed by the administrative stuff. In the large scheme of things those are the little things.

Over the last couple months we've had long talks about our relationship, about living together, about deciding where to live, about being apart and about being together. We've talked about the future and where we see our lives going. The one thing that remains consistent is that we both see our lives going forward together. We've come so far from those early days of flirting nervously over Scrabble games at the Sugarbowl. Who would have thought that in a year we'd be moving in together in a new city? Not me. Not him. Yet, we both feel that it's the right thing to do.

Amy has this quote on her website:
"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed." I've read it often and have pondered how that applies to my life. I think changing direction is sometimes exactly what is needed to get to where you want to go.

Big changes. On a sadder note, I'm definitely going to miss some of the extraordinary people who have come into my life since I moved to Edmonton. But, I am glad that the world is smaller than it's ever been thanks to the email and messageboards and instant messaging. I am relieved that I still have a few months to spend time with friends here before we leave.

I'll leave it at that for now. I'm sure I'll be writing lots in the next few months. It's always that way when there is a lot bouncing around in my head.