*Swoon*

I just got back from my blind date with A. and...wow! It went way better than I expected. He was attractive, intelligent, funny, interesting, and a great conversationalist. Oh, and his smile was gorgeous! I quite like him and am hoping that he'll call me for another date : ) We sat and chatted like old friends, laughing at each other, and feeling completely comfortable. When the coffee shop closed we still wanted to hang out some more so we drove out to Sherwood Park by the factories. I don't want to get myself too excited but I have a very good feeling about this.

Hump Day

Tonight I went to my meditation group for another one-hour sit. For me, they are like injections of calm, sense, and happiness into my hurried life. The sit itself is very good, but equally beneficial is interacting with people who just "get it". The couple who host the weekly groups are the instructors from my course. One is an engineer and the other is a lawyer. Even with fast-paced lives, their own business, and a family, they still give off this aura of complete peace and calm. It is really quite inspiring and just being in their presence seems to influence me. Tonight after the sit, they made us peppermint tea with mint leaves grown right in their garden. Mmmmm.

By the way, for anyone who might be interested in taking the Vipassana course that I went on, there is another course running September 26th - October 7th in Sylvan Lake.

Tomorrow night, after my running clinic, I have a blind date! I am nervous and excited : ) Last week, Dayna told me about a guy that she works with who she believes would be "perfect" for me. She raved about him and told me that if she wasn't currently married, she would date him! So, with that glowing recommendation, I agreed to meet him for a drink. We've corresponded a little bit by email but neither of us knows much about the other and neither of us knows what the other looks like. The mystery of all of this has been quite fun!

Shared Accomodation

It's official...I will soon have a roommate. Daniel is going to be moving in August 1st so I will have to get all of the wandering around my apartment naked out of my system in the next few days ; ) I talked to him yesterday about whether he'd need the elevator locked off and he laughed and said that he only has one big box, a backpack, and his laptop! It's actually perfect because I have some furniture in the 2nd bedroom that I was going to have to move somewhere else but he is happy to use it. So, if any of you call and hear a guy with a strong Swiss accent answer, don't be alarmed!

Object Lust

Yaaaaaaaaay! This light is currently on its way to me:



It's an IQ Light and I have had my eye on one of them for a long, long time. They are incredibly expensive if you buy them from the distributor in Denmark but I was able to find one on eBay for $20US! IQ stands for "interlocking quadrilaterals" and this is the neat thing about the lamps. They are made of 30 modules that fit together to form different shapes depending on how you decide to assemble the unit. You can buy more than one kit and make even bigger lamps if you like. I am excited! I can't wait for it to arrive : )

On the Run

Today started off with an early morning 10k run through the Mill Creek Ravine. I looked around my running group and noticed that almost every single person was extremely fit and quite good-looking. Running definitely does amazing things to your body. Today I ran beside a very handsome guy with a typical runner's body who had the cutest New Zealand accent. He kept me quite distracted so the run seemed to go especially quick, that is, until I started having some problems with the shorts that I was wearing. At about the 8th kilometre, I started noticing that my shorts were rubbing and causing some serious chafing on my inner thighs (yes, I know that these are the sorts of details you come here to read about...hehe) I tried to just keep running and ignore it but by the 9th kilometre it was getting really, really painful and I had to drop back and walk the rest of the way. The New Zealand guy stopped to make sure that I was okay and I had to shyly explain what the problem was. How embarrasing. I've never run in the summer before so I've never experienced these sorts of problems.

After the run, I met my friend, Kenny, for breakfast and a walk. He was feeling quite down when we first met up but was smiling and laughing when I dropped him off so that made me feel good. Kenny is one-of-a-kind. I have no friends that are remotely like him yet I appreciate his strangeness and I love his zany sense of humour and wild stories.

Weekend Update

I slept in this morning which was absolutely heavenly. I finally forced myself out of bed around 10am but I probably could have lingered there for a few more hours. I motivated myself to get up with the promise that I would go for coffee and a bagel and promptly made my way to the nearest Tim Horton's. Mmmmm.

This afternoon I had a date with C. and accompanied him to a barbeque that a couple of his friend's were having. After the barbeque we went for drinks (I had a very yummy bellini) and then went and saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I had a great time with him but felt absolutely no sparks. He and I have known each other for a few years so I was surprised when he seemed to develop an interest in me. However, I think we are destined to just be friends, which doesn't bother me in the least (and hopefully will not bother him.)

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was a fun movie. I enjoyed it more than I thought I was going to. It wasn't nearly as good as the original but it was entertaining. Oh, and I loved Johnny Depp in the role of Willy Wonka.

One exciting bit of news is that I think I will soon have a roommate. Daniel is from Switzerland and will be studying here in the fall. I met with him yesterday and got a really good feeling about him. His first language is German, then French, and he just learned English over the last year. To me, that is most impressive as I live in a bilingual country but can barely stumble my way through French. We have a few details to work out, but I think he's going to move in mid-August.

Another nice part of today was receiving a long, thoughtful email from Phillip. He wrote today about the trials and tribulations of keeping a blog and the balance between privacy and making things public. He has struggled with the same questions that I've had but has seemed to come to resolution with it. He made me smile when he wrote that he tries to "be sensitive about other people's feelings and situations - as long as they haven't left me broken hearted and for another man". Ha.

And, on a completely unrelated note, I am currently lusting for this gadget:



It is a Polar RS200sd Running Computer. It tracks heart rate, pace, and distance and does about a million other neat things.

TGIF

I've been listening to a lot of Nick Cave lately. With every listen, I discover another nuance, another interpretation of his songs, and an even greater appreciation for his genius. To me, he's up there with the best songwriters of our time. In an interview over ten years ago, he said, "I would say, in the most humble fashion, that I was in the same league as someone like Dylan or Leonard Cohen, simply because of their complete ignorance towards what's going on in the music world, and their utter belief in what they do, their own sense of expression." The interviewer then asked him, "John Lennon?" and he replied, "Yeah, Maybe." Some people have called him arrogant, but I don't believe that this was said with any arrogance at all. He seems to understand that what he has in common with people like Dylan or Cohen is passion and the courage to not censor that passion based on what others want or expect from him.

For those of you unfamiliar with Cave (shame on you!), below are two examples. And, believe me, it was difficult to choose two excerpts and not post his whole collected works.

About love lost:
I loved her then and I guess I love her still
Hers is the face I see when a certain mood moves in
She lives in my blood and skin
Her wild feral stare, her dark hair
Her winter lips as cold as stone
Yeah, I was her man
But there are some things love won't allow
I held her hand but I don't hold it now
I don't know why and I don't know how
But she's nobody's baby now
- Nobody's Baby Now from Let Love In(1994)

About love found:
I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms
- Into My Arms from The Boatman's Call (1997)

Alright, enough swooning for Cave…I'm moving on to a new topic.

I met Kim last night for an evening of catching up. We sat in her bright red living room eating Jelly Belly's and relaying stories of the last couple weeks. There was a sandalwood candle burning on the table in front of us and I noticed it casting an especially lovely glow onto her face. Kim is one of those people who is strikingly beautiful on the outside but that truly pales in comparison to her beauty inside.

Kim and her boyfriend have been steadily transforming the old house that they bought a number of years ago into their own little nirvana. The style of their home is asian-influenced minimalism combined with bright splashes of colour and bohemia. Her artwork hangs on the walls and the whole place reflects the two of them and their personalities. It feels so warm and welcoming that it makes you want to curl up on the sofa and stay for hours (which I did). Eventually I will start posting pictures so that I can show these sorts of things instead of ineffectually describing them. I just need some time to sit and fiddle on my computer and extra time has just been in very short supply of late.

As I wrote yesterday, this week has been a really good one. I am feeling quite exhausted, but I'd liken it to the way that muscles can ache in that good way after they've been exercised. The weekend looks like it will be just as filled with activity but I'm looking forward to it all the same.

Happy Friday, everyone : )

*Yawn*

I had another fantastic day. This has been a phenomenally good week : ) I'd like to write more tonight, but I'm absolutely exhausted and must retreat to my bed. So, only one little observation...the moon was a beautiful and breathtaking shade of gold tonight. It really was something to see.

Busy Busy Busy

Tonight was a busy but excellent night! I went from work to the Running Room to meet Heather and participate in the 20-Minute Challenge. This is a yearly event where they give participants a free hat and have as many people as possible go out and run for at least 20 minutes. There were hundreds of people who were all wearing orange hats (given out tonight) running around across the high level bridge. It was quite the sight!

Then, I hurried to pick up Dayna (my roommate from my Vipassana retreat) and we went to a group meditation that was held tonight. The instructors from our retreat live in Edmonton and hold a weekly sit at their home so we decided to go and see what it was like. It was a small group of six of us and we sat for an hour and then chatted afterwards. I really, really enjoyed it. All of the calmness, stillness, and quieting of my mind happened again and it really made me realize how beneficial meditation can be in one's life. I think Dayna and I are going to try to make it a weekly thing.

Afterwards, we decided to go for tea at Steeps. Although she and I have only known each other for a very short amount of time, we seem to have really connected. After spending two weeks sharing a room but not being able to speak to each other we both felt an instant bond. As I've gotten to know her better it's strange to see how much we have in common. Her mother had cancer and passed away when she was a teenager just as mine did. She works in the same building that I used to work in when I worked at the government. We live about five minutes away from each other. And, some other interesting connections. We also seem to have very similar senses of humour and often end up just giggling about silly things. She feels like an old friend, which is nice to experience with someone you don't know all that well. She's talking about starting to run with me so I imagine we'll be seeing a fair bit of each other.

I have had the busiest week so far! I am very close to having a laundry crisis (ie. running out of clean underwear and socks) so it's a good thing that I only have to work a 1/2 day tomorrow (we are being given the afternoon off for Klondike Days!) My plan is to come straight home and immerse myself in domesticity.

Hmm...

This week, I've been wondering about this blog. I've been thinking of changing the url for it altogether and then possibly just keeping it as a private journal or sharing it with a very select group of people. I sometimes feel like I am setting myself up to have my words thrown back at me at a later time and then that makes me feel like I should edit out certain things and then that makes me wonder what the point of writing is if it isn't really saying much. So, this post will be a slight departure from the usual. I'm going to talk directly about a few things.

One of the things that has led me to feel uncertain about my site is that in looking at the stats on my page, there are three people who are very regular visitors who have said that they want little to nothing to do with me. So, if they've said that they want nothing to do with me, what makes them want to read about my thoughts or feelings or happenings in my life? Is it just curiosity? Is it hoping to read about me being unhappy? Is it checking to make sure that I'm not writing something that I shouldn't? Or, something else? There are lots of other people who check this site too, but not nearly as consistently as those three.

I've been thinking about what my motivation is for having this site. It certainly isn't to keep people who don't really like me informed about my life. I feel that they don't deserve to hear my thoughts and it feels like I'm exposing myself. On the other hand, I love writing, I love trying to figure out what I think about certain things and I love sharing that with my friends and with strangers who poke their heads in here. I don't want to feel muted from sharing because there are some people who I wish were a little less interested in my life.

There's one person, in particular, who despite saying that she doesn't care about me or my life, continues to pop in and out of it. I sincerely wish that she would just leave me alone. There were a few months where I didn't hear a thing from her and it was so nice. Then, the day before yesterday, out of the blue, she wrote to me about something pretty odd. As soon as a dialogue began between us, it quickly went downhill. Because of that, I told her that it's better that we just steer clear of each other. I do not mean that in a malicious way, I just feel that she isn't someone I want a part of any aspect of my life. I don't trust her and I don't feel that there's any need for interaction between us. I wish she would understand that and respect my desire to be left alone. Hopefully, this time that will be what actually happens. It gets tiring having the same conversation over and over and over again.

It has felt so good to distance myself more and more from people that I don't care about and focus my attention and energy on the people in my life who matter. I've met some interesting people in recent months who have made me realize that it's a big world out there and there's no need to stay stuck in a place you aren't happy. The more that I distance myself from the past, the happier that I am. The more that I set goals for myself and achieve them, the more confident that I feel. The more that I spend time with my tried and true friends, the more I feel like I'm moving forward. Things feel like they have been slowly falling into place, making more sense, and like I'm figuring out the next direction I want to go in.

Leave it all behind my friend, release it to the wind
There are other roads to walk along and places you’ve never been
- Eva Cassidy

So, for now, I'll keep writing as I think through the idea of what I want this site to be and what I don't want it to be. Perhaps, I'll just start posting the adventures of my cat from now on : )

The Important Things

There is much that I could write about today but many of them are potential minefields that I'll opt to step around. And really, aside from a few irritations, my day was quite good. I went for a run this afternoon with a co-worker of mine and it felt incredible! He pushed me to run a little speedier than was comfortable, but I kept up and even chatted with him for most of the way. Actually, "chatted" isn't exactly accurate...I've perfected a technique of asking a broad succession of open-ended questions on runs so that I can mostly leave the talking to the other person : ) I returned to my desk and read a nice email from someone who knows me awfully well and after reading the ending line of "take care and don't let people get you down", I was smiling. Then, this evening was spent with my friend Heather who has just returned from a long vacation. We had a really nice dinner together followed by hours of catching up. It was the perfect evening and has left me feeling in very good spirits. I think before the meditation retreat I would have reflected on the day and would have kept replaying the negative aspects of it. Now, I'm much more apt to just let those things go and focus on the good.

Reese's Favourite Toy

This is my cat's favourite toy:

The Dangling Conversation

Phillip (see previous entry) was listening to Simon and Garfunkel last week so that inspired me to dig out some of my old cds and take another listen. Their songs are so nice. Two gentle, harmonious voices singing poetry. I wish there was more music like that today. Sometimes, I feel like I was born into the wrong era.

It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.

And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
And the dangled conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
"Can analysis be worthwhile?"
"Is the theater really dead?"
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
You're a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

These lines in particular (And I only kiss your shadow/I cannot feel your hand/You're a stranger now unto me) got me thinking. Last week I spent some time with a friend who has recently gone through a fairly painful breakup. We were talking about how shocking it is when the person that you shared a bed with for years becomes a virtual stranger to you. I find that realization quite sad, but most definitely the truth. Sometimes I hear things about my ex-boyfriend (things he's said or done) and I think to myself "oh, he would never have said/done/thought that" but the reality is that I really have no idea about anything he'd do or say or think because so much distance has come between us. The image in my head of him is not reality. He is an image that is made up of selected memories. It makes me wonder if I ever really knew him or whether he was always just an image that I created by holding on to the memories that I liked and throwing away the memories that I didn't. But, that leads me into wondering if we ever really know anyone. And that is far too philosophical for a Monday : )

Either way, stranger or not, it doesn't really matter. We've both come to a place where we treat each other with a guarded niceness. This past weekend he was going to a party and sent me a quick email to see if he might bump into me there. When he hears about important things happening in my life, he tends to check in with me, and I do the same with him. It's not the same as it was between us, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Over time we may grow closer friends or we may become even further estranged...and if I've learned anything, it's that whichever way it goes will be the way it's supposed to be.

Invincible Summer in Germany

I've recently made the acquaintance of an interesting guy named Phillip who lives in Cologne, Germany. I came across his webjournal a while ago (though I can't remember how) and began to look forward to his updates. After reading for a while, I decided to introduce myself and sent him a link to my site. He wrote back a very kind message that included praise for my writing. I checked his site this weekend and was surprised to see that I am mentioned in his July 16th entry.

I remarked to him that the internet was such a strange place. It's so easy to stumble upon someone's website and learn all sorts of personal things about them. It flips 'theories of distance influencing familiarity' on their heads. I bump into so many people in the course of a day who base their opinions of me solely on my appearance or my mannerisms. And then, there are people who I've never met, who come visit my blog, and know all sorts of things about me. I think it's fascinating that someone on the other side of the world knows more about me than the person in line in front of me at my local coffee shop.

Phillip remarked that I have a calm way of expressing myself and that I am able to maintain a healthy distance in my writing. I appreciate the compliment, but I'm not sure that I can take complete credit for that. I believe the distance comes from feeling forced to write somewhat vaguely about my experiences because this is a public website. I certainly try to be truthful, but I'm not an open book. There are some subjects that I never touch on even though they may be largely occupying my thoughts. In contrast, he seems to write quite candidly about many personal matters. He quotes emails that he's received, writes directly to an ex-lover, and doesn't appear to hide much (though only he knows for certain how much he is actually sharing). I am going to ask him if this has ever gotten him in trouble.

If you have some time, I recommend checking out Phillip's journal. It is filled with Leonard Cohen and Deluzian philosophy and beautiful lyrics intermingled with his prose.

Wednesday

I had a really nice evening tonight. A very good run followed by a dinner date with a cute guy and then tea with a friend who always makes me smile. Not bad for a Wednesday evening!

I'm not going to say the h-word that rhymes with 'sappy' but I think I might actually be feeling that way.

On a night like this
So glad you came around,
Hold on to me so tight
And heat up some coffee grounds.
We got much to talk about
And much to reminisce,
It sure is right
On a night like this.
- Bob Dylan

Dylan!

I've known for a while that Bob Dylan is playing a concert in Calgary next weekend but I didn't think I'd be in the city then. But, it's looking like I might be, so I may get to go see him after all! Yay! I saw him last year (or was it the year before?) in Edmonton and it was a fantastic concert! I managed to get 4th row tickets at that time so we were able to see every chord he played and watch him subtlely motion to his drummer to end songs. I definitely won't get tickets that close this time but it would be amazing to just hear him live! Oooooh, I am filled with excitement now : ) Dylan is one of my favourite artists. He gets a lot of flack for his singing but his lyrics are extremely well written. In the spirit of Dylan excitement, I've been locating some guitar tabs and have been plucking my way through a couple of songs. It feels good to be practicing guitar again! One more 'yay' for good measure...yay!

The Beauty of L.C.

From Beautiful Losers:

"I wanted your confusion to be a butterfly net for magic"

Brilliance in such a tiny sentence.

California Dreamin'?

I am a member of two professional organizations for my specific career and every now and then we get postings from various places across Canada and the U.S. Recently, I was sent a posting for a position in San Diego that looks exceptionally interesting and which I am very much qualified for. I wrote to the HR department and asked if they would consider an applicant from Canada and I was told that they would. They indicated that I would have to obtain top-secret security clearance from the FBI however, which can sometimes be difficult for someone living outside of the States but I've decided to just put in my application and see. I'm not actively looking for a new job but if the right opportunity presented itself I would definitely be willing to make some changes.

I've decided that I want to do my Masters degree in Criminology, but unfortunately, the University of Alberta does not have a very good Criminology program so I'm less inclined to want to pursue it here. There are some excellent programs in Vancouver (Simon Fraser and UBC) that I'm also looking into, but I think I'd like to do it while working as opposed to just going back to school full-time. Part of the reasoning behind wanting to do this is if I completed my Masters while working I would have access to an amazing amount of data which would definitely expediate the whole process.

I won't be holding my breath about California but you never know how things will end up working out...

Reflection

Ah, it is good to be back. Walking in my door last night and being greeted by the excited meows from Reese was priceless. I put my bags down, looked around my place, and a happy feeling washed over me. Later, John and Daisy came over and we all sat around the kitchen table talking and enjoying beer and sushi. It was the perfect end to a lovely weekend.

In Calgary, I had lots of time to visit with both Jen and Nina. The two of them are such incredible friends. We get excited for each other's successes, we sympathize with each other's disappointments, and we laugh a lot together. We spent lots of time eating all of the yummy foods that I had been craving while I was at my retreat and talked and talked and talked some more. We also went shopping for wedding dresses for Jen (!) and I was surprised by how touched I felt seeing her in various gowns. She seems so happy these days and I couldn't be more thrilled for her.

My head has been filled with so many thoughts since returning from the meditation retreat. I definitely feel like I've gained a lot of perspective, but at times it almost feels overwhelming to try to apply everything to the day-to-day happenings of life. It is easy to feel forgiving, calm, and detached while sitting in silence in the middle of nowhere. It is easy to be kind when everyone else is in that mind frame too. It is so much more challenging to remember all of those things in the "real world" where strangers can be nasty and everything feels personal. But…I am up for the challenge : )

Since returning from my retreat, I have been devouring the experiences of others who have spent time meditating in monasteries or retreats or simply on their own. After Leonard Cohen completed touring for his "The Future" album, he took up residence in a Zen monastery in California. I recently came across an interview that he did talking about his meditation experience and it has made for some captivating reading. After battling depression for the majority of his life, he finally felt a sense of peace after spending time in the monastery. He remarked, "There was just a certain sweetness to daily life that began asserting itself. I remember sitting in the corner of my kitchen, which has a window overlooking the street. I saw the sunlight that shines on the chrome fenders of the cars, and thought, "Gee, that's pretty. I said to myself, "Wow, this must be like everybody feels." Life became not easier but simpler. The backdrop of self-analysis I had lived with disappeared. It's like that joke: "When you're hitting your head against a brick wall, it feels good when it stops".

One of the biggest epiphanies for me was realizing that letting all of the difficult feelings come to the surface made them lose their strength and power. I had been fighting depression and negative feelings but that was precisely what was making those feelings stick around. As soon as I stopped fighting and resigned myself to feeling despair, the bad feelings passed with such brevity that it felt like an actual shock to my system. It was like being so afraid of the metaphorical monster under the bed that I refused to even lift up the covers. However, when I finally gained the courage to take a peek, I noticed that there really wasn't a monster there -- just a lost pair of socks and some cat toys.

I'll try to paint a picture of what the days were like at the retreat. Each day I was woken up by a gong at 4am. After rousing myself from the depths of sleep I would shuffle over to the Dhamma Hall (meditation hall) and slide into my assigned meditation spot. The sun wouldn't be up yet and the birds would just be starting to chirp. The lights were dim and it was usually freezing so I would gather my blanket around me, settle into a comfortable position, and begin. There were people all around me meditating, but there was a distinctive feeling of being alone. There I would sit and work for 2 hours.

At 6:30am, another gong would ring which signified breakfast. I would go to the dining hall and consume the same breakfast each day (two slices of toast with natural peanut butter and a bowl of oatmeal mixed with granola and sunflower seeds.) During breakfast there was no talking or eye contact so although I would be sitting at a table with others, I was pretty much just focused on the food in front of me and was often lost in my own thoughts. It sounds like that would be awkward but it was actually really enjoyable to have no pressure to converse with anyone. After breakfast there was a break until 8am and I would take the opportunity to go back to bed. Oh, the bliss of crawling back under my covers for an hour of precious dreaming. Sleep became an escape from thinking and it was absolutely savoured.

At 8am, another gong would sound indicating group meditation time. 8am was a "Sit of Strong Determination" which translates into a sit where we weren't allowed to move at all. One hour of absolute silence and stillness with no stirring whatsoever. It was amazing to be in a room of approximately 50 people and be able to hear stomachs gurgling because it was that quiet. There were three Sits of Strong Determination per day. Those sits were difficult but they often resulted in the best meditations of the day.

At 9am, we were give the choice to remain in the Dhamma hall or we could go to our rooms to meditate. I would often go back to my room as it was much more comfortable to sit on my mattress than the cushion in the hall. I was sleeping in the top of a bunk bed and I found the perfect meditation spot was perched at the top of the bunk bed leaning against the wall. I often felt like a monkey sitting up there, but it suited me just fine. We would meditate until the gong was struck again at 11am for lunch. Again, I would walk over to the dining hall and would help myself to a nutritious, vegetarian lunch. After lunch I would go have a shower and then I would often have a nap until the gong rang again at 1pm.

At 1pm, we could meditate in our rooms or in the Dhamma Hall. At 2:30pm the gong would ring for another Sit of Strong Determination. Then, from 3:30pm - 5pm we would again meditate on our own. That afternoon stretch was the most difficult and was often when I felt like I was beginning to lose my mind. It tended to be the time that I would begin having obsessive thoughts about anything and everything that I didn't want to think about. I usually had tears streaming down my cheeks at some point during the afternoon and became adept at crying silently and not being afraid of feeling upset.

At 5pm, we had a tea break where we were allowed to have a piece of fruit and some herbal teas. No dinner! I was usually really hungry by this point and it always left me feeling slightly depressed to look at the bowl of fruit and choose from an apple, orange, or banana and know that there was no further food until breakfast the next day. I've never been really obsessed about food but I found myself fantasizing about different foods that I wanted. It made me realize what it must be like to have an eating disorder and have your thoughts dominated by food. It made me appreciate that I've never had that particular challenge in my life.
At 6pm, we would have our third and final Sit of Strong Determination. At 7pm, we would have a video discourse where the meditation technique was explained and where Buddhist practices, stories, and wisdom were discussed. Those evening discourses were amazing, both because it allowed me to hear someone speaking for an hour, and because the content of the discourses was so good. At around 8:30pm we would have our final meditation of the evening for a half hour or so.

At 9pm, there was an opportunity for questions and then we went to our rooms to retire for the night. That was usually when the torture would begin. I was never tired at 9:30pm and would lie in my bed tossing and turning for hours upon hours. Try as I might, I could never get to sleep easily. My thoughts would begin racing again to things that I didn't want to think about and I was often filled with anxiety, sadness, and a mixture of the two. During those sleepless hours I would compose mental letters to various people (we weren't allowed pens or paper.) My letters were filled with all of the things that I've wanted to say to various people that I've never said (and probably never will). After my mental letters were completed, I would lie staring at the ceiling and dream of food. As each hour went by, I would realize that I was an hour closer to the 4am gong. Oh, those evenings were incredibly tough. Finally, at around 1am or so I would often drift off to sleep for a few hours and then the whole day would start again.

When Leonard Cohen talked about the strict schedule in the monastery he said, "I was interested in surrendering to that kind of routine. If you surrender to the schedule, and get used to its demands, it is a great luxury not to have to think about what you are doing next." I found that as well. As difficult as the routine was, there was a certain joy in letting someone else figure out my whole day.

He also went on to say, "It's an existence where the emphasis is on the ordinary. But it's the least-easy place to lose track of time in. During the day, you hear bells and they tell you to go somewhere - that's the nature of those places. They are kind of hospitals for the broken-hearted and for people who have forgotten how to walk and talk. It wasn't just touring that left me feeling this way. I often do. In one of these dreary meditation halls, it is a Zen practice to invite you to sit motionless for long hours. If you sit there long enough, you run through all the alternative ways the events in your life could have turned out. After a while, the activity of thinking, that interior chatter, begins to subside from time to time. And what rushes in, in the same way that light rushes into a room when you switch on the light, is another kind of mood that overtakes you." That is such an eloquent way of describing what happens. The first few days, my mind wouldn't shut off. It was whirring and zooming and jumping from one thought to another and sometimes it was like a broken record getting stuck on the same thought for hours at a time. Those first days I just wanted my mind to shut the ^&%$#@# up. I was tired of the inane chatter going on in my head that seemed like it was never going to quiet down. But, after enough hours of sitting still, the interior monologue did manage to turn itself down to a lower volume. Sometimes I could sit for an hour and just focus on my breath without having my mind wander at all. Sometimes I was able to truly feel a sense of peace and tranquility. Those moments were rare, but they did happen and that gave me hope that with practice it could happen more and more often.

I don't want to imply that this 10-day course changed my life and that I will no longer feel anything but peaceful and happy. More accurately, it gave me a lot of food for thought and gave me short glimpses of what inner harmony could feel like. I don't want to sound like some sort of religious zealot who believes that this is the answer to all of life's problems and that everyone should experience this. On the contrary, I don't think this sort of thing would be for everyone. The whole process involves seeing things as they ACTUALLY are, not as you would like them to be, and that stark reality can be a little daunting. It involves swallowing a whole lot of pride and realizing that you're not as wonderful of a person as you might like to think that you are. It exposes the negative sides to one's personality -- the anger, the sadness, the hurt, and the ill-will. It involves acknowledging the wrongs that you've done to others, forgiving yourself for them, and then forgiving anyone who's ever hurt you. It is a process that doesn't allow you to blame anyone else for the things you feel.

At the end of each meditation session there was chanting that translated to "may all beings be happy." Such a simple sentiment, bordering on trite, but those words always gave me a tiny shiver each time I heard them.

Within You Without You

This song was in my head for the entire meditation retreat. Over and over and over again. It's funny because I hadn't listened to that song in months and months yet it is the one that came to my mind given time to think. It's so interesting the way our minds work.

We were talking-about the space between us all
And the people-who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth-then it's far too late-when they pass away.

We were talking-about the love we all could share-when we find it
To try our best to hold it there-with our love
With our love-we could save the world-if they only knew.

Try to realise it's all within yourself
No-one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small,
And life flows within you and without you.

We were talking-about the love that's gone so cold and the people,
Who gain the world and lose their soul-
They don't know-they can't see-are you one of them?

When you've seen beyond yourself-then you may find, peace of mind,
Is waiting there-
And the time will come when you see
we're all one, and life flows on within you and without you.
- George Harrison

The Equanimous Mind

Hello again, friends and strangers : ) I'm back from the silence! Today is the first day that I'm back in the "real world" again after being in an alternate world for the last 2 weeks. It is slightly overwhelming to hear all the noise of the city again. I am in Calgary this weekend and it is coincidentally the beginning of the Stampede which is probably the WORST time to return to face the world as it is annoying at the best of times. I'm staying with a wonderful friend though and that's worth the craziness for a couple of days.

I am still processing the whole Vipassana experience so I won't write too much about it here but I'm sure you'll be able to read more about it in the coming week. All in all it was a very positive experience for me and came at the absolute perfect time. If there is one word to summarize the experience it would be equanimous. The goal was a balanced mind and I worked for 18 hours a day on striving towards that goal. 18 hours of being inside my own head with no one to distract me, nothing to do but think and meditate and work. It was the most gruelling, intense, and difficult experience but it was also incredibly rewarding in a number of different ways.

Much of the last year came to the surface and was thought about and re-throught about countless times. That wasn't always the most pleasant feeling to contend with and at times I felt a very, very strong desire to run in the opposite direction and declare that it wasn't for me. I stuck with it and "dealt" with many unresolved things that I had buried and pushed to the side. That took tremendous courage but it has left me feeling much lighter and in much better balance than I think I've ever been in.

Anyways, I'll leave it at that for now. Have good weekends, everyone : )