Goodbye (for a couple weeks)

Tomorrow I'm departing for my Vipassana retreat so you won't hear a peep out of me for a couple of weeks. It's going to be a most interesting experience. It will be a detoxification of sorts in many different aspects: no internet, no contact with anyone outside the retreat, a totally vegetarian diet, no drugs or alcohol, and lots and lots of silence. Already my mind has made some important shifts in thinking. I can already tell you with confidence that some things are going to be different when I get back.

Take care, everyone. And, Happy Canada Day : )

Not That Kind of Girlnextdoor

There are a surprising amount of people who come to this site by entering "girlnextdoor" as a search term in Google. I am almost certain that these people are looking for something a bit more x-rated than what they find. I almost feel like I should apologize.

Courage

After I ran my first 1/2 marathon, the guys at work gave me a card that now sits on the corner of my desk. It has a black and white picture of a person standing at the beginning of a long road and underneath the picture it has a quote by Anais Nin that says "life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." I look at that card a lot. It reminds me that when I set goals and work hard towards them I'm usually successful. And, it reminds me that courage is vital in making it through this crazy world.

Courage. It's an interesting word. The root comes from the French word for heart. Merriam-Webster defines it as "mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty." But, what does that mean "to persevere" or "to withstand"? Does that mean just waking up each morning and facing the day when you don't really feel like it? Or, is it something more? I believe courage involves facing your fears. I think it means following your heart when you know what the right thing to do is, even if that thing is difficult. When I look back upon some of the pivotal moments in my life, I often knew the course I should take but I didn't always listen to myself. I'm trying to do a better job of that these days.

On a separate note, I've been searching for a long while for the journals of Anais Nin and can't seem to find them anywhere. Why are they so tough to get hold of? I'm going to have to resort to ordering online, I think.

Let Go

The sunshine has finally returned but my spirits still have a little ways to go. Last year at this time I was planning a trip to celebrate the solstice with a sweet soul. It's a bit startling how drastically things can change in a year. George Harrison said that all things must pass. Ah, George was the wise Beatle.

Last year at this time there were many hearts that were either in the middle of being broken or were well on their way. This year, the trend continues. A few people I know have already broken up and there seems to be a few more on the horizon. I'm not sure what it is about the summer that makes people restless and ready to re-evaluate whether they are truly happy, but that certainly seems to be the case. As difficult as it's been to weather this year on my own, I'm relieved to not be pondering the fate of a relationship. I'm relieved to not have heavy conversations to contend with and that unsettling feeling when doubts begin to surface.

Buddhists believe that attachment leads to unhappiness. I recently read a Buddhist text that said "everything is subject to change. Suffering and discontentment are the result of the attachment to circumstances and things which, by their nature, are not permanent." I certainly believe this because being afraid to let go of someone (or having someone let go of us) keeps us in situations that we shouldn't be in. It takes a lot of strength to make a bold move and let go of something that we know isn't right. It's so much easier to just continue on and hope for the best.

Take a deep breath, be brave, and most importantly, be free.

: |

And the moments of magic
Are just too short
They're over before they begin

I really hope that my current mood is only a reflection of the gloomy weather we've been having and that it will lift when the sunshine returns.

Tonight

It's hard to always put on a smile and sometimes it's better to just call it a night. Ah, this life is so full of ups and downs.

Dreamin' Girl

Some days I dream about moving to another city where I could be anonymous. Where I could float around the city like a faceless blob who no one notices or cares about. I could say and do things - even crazy things - and no one would think that it didn't fit my personality. I could be aloof and mysterious or I could be funny and flamboyant and everyone would just accept that was me.

Some days I dream about moving into a loft in a big city with wooden floors, high ceilings, and lots of empty space. I think of myself being happy in solitude. Reading books I'd always wanted to read and doing art. I would surprise myself with hidden talents that could effortlessly support me. I'd revel in my eccentricity and have at least 3 cats and perhaps an exotic fish or two.

Some days I dream about selling all of my worldly possessions, breaking free of my mortgage and car, and traveling the world with just a backpack. I think about adventures, exotic sounds, interesting foods and strangers that I'd encounter. Meeting other people who are lost in their own unique ways. I think about the mix of excitement and terror that comes with not having a permanent home.

Hmmmmmm...

Now the night is gone, a new day is dawning
And our homeless dreams go back to the street
Another time or place, another civilization
Would really make this life feel so complete.

I'll always be a dreamin' girl
I don't have to understand
I know it's alright.
-Neil Young

A Short Story

"Hallo Eeyore," said Christopher Robin, as he opened the door and came out. "How are you?"
"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily
"So it is"
"And freezing"
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."

Anticipation

Most mornings I make a stop at Tim Horton's on my way to work and I can't get over the laziness of most people. Every day the drive-thru is filled with vehicles idling as they wait for their turn. This makes no sense as inside there is never a lineup of more than one or two people. I can sort of understand people opting for the drive-thru if it's extremely cold or rainy but when it's a beautiful day, why don't they just get out of their car? It may be the only exercise that some of these people get in a day! GET OUT OF YOUR CARS! BREATHE THE FRESH AIR! SMILE AT A STRANGER : )

So, in a little over a week I will leave for the meditation retreat that I signed up for a number of months ago. I am looking forward to it but I'm also getting a bit nervous. Below is the schedule for a typical day:

4:00 a.m.---------------------Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 a.m.----------------Meditate in the hall or your own room
6:30-8:00 a.m.----------------Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 a.m.----------------Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 a.m.---------------Meditate in the hall or your own room
11:00-12:00 noon--------------Lunch break
12noon-1:00 p.m.--------------Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 p.m.----------------Meditate in the hall or your own room
2:30-3:30 p.m.----------------Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 p.m.----------------Meditate in the hall or your own room
5:00-6:00 p.m.----------------Tea break
6:00-7:00 p.m.----------------Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 p.m.----------------Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 p.m.----------------Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 p.m.----------------Question time in the hall
9:30 p.m.---------------------Retire to your own room--Lights out

Notice that the schedule calls for waking up at 4am! Luckily, I am already used to doing that because Reese (my cat) is fond of pouncing on my feet at that time. However, that is a lot of meditating! And, I don't think I've ever gone ten days without talking. Actually, come to think of it, I'm not sure I've even gone for one day without talking. It will definitely be an experience. I've been practicing meditating a little bit at home but I don't think I really know what I'm in for. Eeeep! It's interesting because we will be completely cut off from the outside world for the entire time. I won't even be able to use the phone to check in on Reese. Awwwww. I'll definitely write about my experiences when I get back.

The Times They Are A-Changin'

About six years ago, I got to know a fairly well-known musician and his band quite well. There were some romantic interludes for a couple years and then, when I started dating someone, they stopped. Over the years I have kept in touch with him and the drummer in his band and though it has all been strictly platonic in recent years, I still enjoy hearing updates and news about them and their music.

Yesterday, I received an email from the drummer letting me know that they would be coming to play a show in the city in July. He told me that he'd love to get together for a drink but also told me that he is engaged to be married in October so he must be "good". It made me realize that even rock stars end up growing up and embracing responsibility eventually. Oh, when I think back to the craziness that ensued after a few of the concerts! It's funny because that seems so very long ago. They have changed, and so have I, but I do have some incredible memories from that time. It will be good to see them and laugh over a beer or two. I'm excited that we'll all have a chance to catch up again.

My Tooth Doesn't Hurt (Yes, It Does)

Alright, I am going to try to write about something other than my troublesome tooth which continues to cause me problems. I'm going to try to ignore the fact that it is currently throbbing and that I can't even eat soft, mushy foods on that side of my mouth. And, I'm going to try to not talk about the fact that my dentist knew that he hadn't completed the procedure the way it needed to be done and should have referred me on to a specialist before it got to this horrible level. But, yes, I'm NOT going to talk about any of that.

I had a really lovely weekend. It was busy because my step-brother and two nieces (ages 3 & 5) came out to visit and we went to the waterpark and the amusement park at the Mall! They are adorable, well-behaved little girls, but it was still exceptionally tiring! It's amazing to see that even at their young age, they each have such distinct personalities. The 5-year old is plucky, fearless, and confident while the 3-year old is quiet, shy, and much more clingy. It is fun being around them because I'm young enough to seem like a fun adult to them. They would take turns holding my hand and each took glee in telling me stories. I loved having them around but was happy to leave them with their dad. I really don't know if I ever want to have children. Many days I lean towards 'no'.

This weekend I finally bought a new pair of running shoes! I can't tell you how good it felt to actually wear out a pair of shoes. Mine were in serious need of replacement, but I'd been having a hard time finding a shoe that felt perfect. Well, I took my new shoes out for a run and they were divine! I am thrilled! I never thought I'd get so excited about a pair of running shoes but look at the beauty...

Zoom!

I can feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. I pedal faster and faster until my quads begin to burn. Zoooooooooom! I just missed the turn to take the most direct route home, but I don't care. Pedal, pedal, pedal. My bike makes a soothing, whirring sound that I never really noticed before. I have a desire to stretch my arms out like two long airplane wings, close my eyes, and just coast. However, I'm too afraid of letting go of the handlebars so I just imagine myself doing so. Zoooooooooom! I'm riding on the edge of downtown and when I look out I see the deep blue sky, then expanses of air filling the valley, and then greenery everywhere. It's so beautiful that it makes my insides feel like they are buzzing with contentment.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

In re-reading some of my recent entries, it seems to me that I've been doing an awful lot of complaining. Admittedly, I've had a lot of bad luck recently -- too much to even list -- but despite all of that I am in amazingly good spirits. I'd like to chalk it up to mental fortitude, but really, I think it has more to do with the fact that despite all the bad, there have been just as many good things happening. So, this is my I'm-not-complaining, I'm-really-quite-happy, and life-is-good entry : )

Flat

I wish I knew how to put on a spare tire. I wish that the person who would probably be good at this was in the City right now. I wish that I had paid better attention when they went over this in Drivers Education 13 years ago.

Or, is this the Universe's way of making me appreciate my bike more? Hmmm...

*Gasp*

I just went for a run with 2 detectives and a pre-hire (someone who's about to go through recruit training) and they definitely gave me a good workout. They normally run 6km in 27 minutes so their pace is a lot quicker than mine (I would run 6km in 39 minutes.) The thing is, they have a rule in training that the fastest people must loop around and meet back up with the slowest so that everyone finishes as a team so it embarrassed me into running faster. Even so, I couldn't keep up to that pace. Phew. Embarrassment is an incredible motivator. I am now determined to get out running a lot more frequently.

The Somewhat Boring, Non-Sequitur Entry

HALLELUJAH! I've finally got an FTP client up and running on my computer. Yay! It took a trip to Chapters and pouring over some Linux books to point me in the right direction, but I managed to make it all work. This will likely mean more photos on here once I figure out a viewer-friendly method of organizing them.

Last night, I spoke to Kevin from the bustling metropolis of Peace River where he's been scaffolding for the last little while. Besides being exhausted, he is doing very well! He was talking to me from the lobby of his hotel, and after we had been on the phone for quite some time, a little girl approached him and asked, "why are you talking on the phone for so long?" Pure childlike inquisitiveness. That got a laugh out of both of us.

The Okanagan race is definitely a go now. A few of the detectives in my office and my boss are interested in doing it, so we are going to set up a training schedule and go out for runs in the afternoons. I love the fact that I can incorporate a hobby into my regular work day. I really have a pretty sweet deal here - interesting work, lots of flexibility, good pay, my very own shower, and nice co-workers.

Hmmm, this entry seems like a series of non-sequiturs.

Another 1/2 Marathon

So, I don't know if I'm crazy, a sucker for punishment, or whether I just really enjoy running, but I've decided to train for another 1/2 marathon. This one will be the Okanagan International Marathon in Kelowna on October 9th. Imagine the beauty of running in the fall in the Okanagan! Ooooooh...that already excites me : ) Without a goal in mind, my training really suffers so I'm happy to have decided to make another commitment to running. And, I now have a previous time to beat and that will definitely appeal to my competitive side. The training won't start until June 16th so if any of you Edmonton folks have ever thought about training for a 1/2, you could join me!

My favourite part of the description of the race was "The race begins and ends at Kelowna’s City Park. The course is flat running mainly through the City’s north end and along Lakeshore and Gordon Drive." After Vancouver's very hilly course, flat sounds absolutely divine!

And One More

Finish

We are like roses that have never bothered to
bloom when we should have bloomed and
it is as if
the sun has become disgusted with
waiting

- Charles Bukowski

A Poem for a Monday

Somewhere I Have Never Travelled, Gladly Beyond

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

- e.e. cummings

Sand Mandalas

My fever has finally broken and despite the glands in my neck feeling like they are the size of grapefruits, I'm feeling quite a bit better. Now, I can talk about something a little more interesting than feeling sick!

On Saturday afternoon I went to a sand mandala demonstration at the Art Barn in Old Strathcona. Over the course of 6 days, a very intricate sand mandala was created by former monks from a monastery in India and a monk who resides in Edmonton. The interesting part about it is that upon completion, the painstakingly created artwork was washed away into the river. This follows the budhhist ideology of not having attachments. At the demonstration, they had an explanation of the symbolism in the mandala and it was fascinating to see that every little thing, including all of the colours, held special meanings. Nothing was put into the mandala just by chance. At the centre, was a flower that was supposed to represent perfect compassion. It was incredible to see the mandala start as a geometric blueprint and transform into a complicated, layered artwork. Apparently, part of a monk's monastic education includes learning how to create sand mandalas, butter sculptures, and traditional paintings.

This is an example of a sand mandala (this isn't the one that was created on Saturday.) In this picture you can see the blueprint that they use to create it:

Sick (again)

On Saturday night, while out a party I started feeling feverish and achy. I went home and felt progressively worse. I spent most of Sunday wrapped up in a flannel blanket shivering. Now, on Saturday I was joking about having West Nile Virus and although I don't actually think that's what I have, look at the following comparisons:

I had the following symptoms:
- high fever
- bad headache
- chills
- general feeling of achiness everywhere
- stiff/sore neck
- very swollen lymph glands in my neck

Symptoms of West Nile Virus:
- fever
-headache
-tiredness
-body aches
- occasionally a skin rash on the trunk of the body
- swollen lymph glands

And now, look at the symptoms of Meningitis:
- fever
- chills
- headache
- vomiting
- stiff neck
- irritability and drowsiness
- eyes that are sensitive to light
- delerium and confusion (rare)
- seizures (rare)
- coma (rare)

So, after I read all of that I decided to call Capital Health and ask if they thought I should just rest or if I should go see a doctor. They recommended that I go to a doctor right away. The doctor listened to my symptoms for about 5 minutes, did a short exam, and told me that I likely had a plain old virus that was just starting to develop. So, my question is, with such vague symptoms, how do they ever differentiate someone who just has a virus and someone who is more seriously ill when the doctor doesn't do any sort of definitive testing? Is it just that 99.9% of people coming into Medicentres complaining of these kinds of symptoms turn out to just have a cold/flu so they figure that you will just return or go to the hospital if things get worse?

I'm tired of being sick so I hope this goes away soon! I feel like my immune system is non-existant as it seems like I've constantly had some sort of cold/flu for the entire winter and spring.

Things are looking up in Linux-land

So, I decided to join the Edmonton Linux Users Group (ELUG) and sent a message to them last night describing my problem and asking if anyone had disks for my distribution that they could lend me. The response was surprising! I woke up this morning to 40 emails from the group and some offers of help. One guy told me that it was rude and unthinking for someone to install Linux on my computer without leaving me the disks! Yay for strangers who are willing to help : )

Frustration

Okay, I am thoroughly frustrated! I have spent the last couple hours attempting to set up an FTP client on my computer in Linux to no avail. I tried a variety of different packages (gFTP, C-Kermit, proftpd, etc.) but I can't get any of them to work. I diligently followed the instructions on downloading and installing tar files but each time something went wrong and I am not well versed enough in Linux to figure out what. Sigh. Can someone help me? Basically, I need step-by-step instructions to download, install and then start an FTP client that will work in SUSE.

Mount St. Helens

I received this picture today in my email and thought that I would share it because it struck me as being quite beautiful. The following is an explanation of why the smoke rings formed like that:

Mount. St. Helens continues to spew ash, while it is forming a lava dome in the crater and still having minor tremors. In this sunrise shot, she appears to be blowing smoke rings. What forms the "smoke rings" is the air flowing over the mountain getting pushed up higher as it goes up and over the top. The moisture content and initial temperature are just right so that the moisture condenses from a vapor to small particles at the higher altitude. When the moving air moves past the peak and comes down again, the particles evaporate back to an invisible vapor.

My Worst Nightmare (Part III)

Ouch. The dentist was not a lot of fun but it's over now. He called me a "trooper" because he said it was a pretty difficult procedure to do. The worst part was that he froze me and started drilling but I wasn't actually frozen enough so I felt an intense, searing pain like I've never felt before. My whole body clenched up and I started whimpering and then he realized that he had to put more freezing in. Owwwwwww. That was an experience I could have definitely lived without. But, it's over...thank goodness!


Yay!

I just heard some great news from a couple that I'm friends with. They both have phD's in physics and one of them was offered a post-doc position at Columbia. They will be living right in Manhattan as of August! I am absolutely thrilled for both of them but am definitely going to miss them. They were my very first friends that I made when I moved to Edmonton 5 years ago.

Congratulations Kris and Toby : ) I have just decided how I'm going to use that airfare credit that's been burning a hole in my pocket!