Adele
I'm finally feeling better. A lot better. In some ways it is interesting that I got that sick around this time of the year. Almost exactly 15 years ago (April 27th, 1990) my mom died from a long fight with cancer. Every year around this time of the year I end up thinking a lot about that time. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for my mom to be sick for so long. Not only did she not feel good, she was coming to terms with her own mortality, and thoughts about how my brother and I would cope without her. That must have been incredibly tough. When I was lying in bed this week I had a small taste of what it might have been like for her. Of course, I got out of bed in a week and am carrying on with my life when she wasn't able to do that. And bronchitis isn't exactly ovarian cancer. It isn't even close.
When my mom first died I thought about how unfair it was for me. As time goes on, however, I think about how unfair it was for her. When she died, she was only 12 years older than I am right now. I'm sure when she was 28, she thought about the future as being something intangible. She couldn't have predicted that life would end so quickly for her. What about all of her dreams that didn't happen? What about all of the things that she wanted to say? The things she wanted to do?
The end of April is always an emotional time for me. It doesn't help that stores and advertisers begin to focus on Mother's Day. In Chapter's they have books perfect for a mother/daughter to read together. There are articles in the paper about the importance of the mother/daughter bond. Everywhere I look I am reminded of how wrong I am --of what exactly is missing from my life. It's partly why I decided to register for a race at that time. For some reason, whenever I run, I feel really close to my mom. She wasn't a runner but I always have this sense that she is with me on my runs. I know how flakey that sounds and I can't really explain it other than to say that it is a really powerful feeling.
I wish that I was a better writer. I wish that I could more adequately express the person that she was. When she died, several of us sat around and decided to come up with 4 words that described her to put on her headstone. We came up with: vivacious, compassionate, enthusiastic, and sincere. Those words rattle around in my head far more than most people think. I don't just want people to think that those words describe me too, I want to actually live my life in a way that makes those words true for me.
When my mom first died I thought about how unfair it was for me. As time goes on, however, I think about how unfair it was for her. When she died, she was only 12 years older than I am right now. I'm sure when she was 28, she thought about the future as being something intangible. She couldn't have predicted that life would end so quickly for her. What about all of her dreams that didn't happen? What about all of the things that she wanted to say? The things she wanted to do?
The end of April is always an emotional time for me. It doesn't help that stores and advertisers begin to focus on Mother's Day. In Chapter's they have books perfect for a mother/daughter to read together. There are articles in the paper about the importance of the mother/daughter bond. Everywhere I look I am reminded of how wrong I am --of what exactly is missing from my life. It's partly why I decided to register for a race at that time. For some reason, whenever I run, I feel really close to my mom. She wasn't a runner but I always have this sense that she is with me on my runs. I know how flakey that sounds and I can't really explain it other than to say that it is a really powerful feeling.
I wish that I was a better writer. I wish that I could more adequately express the person that she was. When she died, several of us sat around and decided to come up with 4 words that described her to put on her headstone. We came up with: vivacious, compassionate, enthusiastic, and sincere. Those words rattle around in my head far more than most people think. I don't just want people to think that those words describe me too, I want to actually live my life in a way that makes those words true for me.
posted by Leah at
12:49 p.m.
5 Comments:
i can truly relate to this, as my mother died of cancer the day after mother's day. (as you know).
this time of year is difficult for so many reasons leah, it's nice to know there is someone in my life now that understands how weird dealing with all of this can be at times.
i am trying to live a healthy strong, full life for myself, but also for my mom...who kinda got jipped.
i love your little blog leah. :)
k - i never had the chance to know your mom but i'm sure she would be proud of the person you have turned out to be. you are such a kind, gentle, and thoughtful soul. your friendship has meant a tremendous amount to me : )
thanks leah, that means alot. and of course, i feel the same way about you. 'a gift', you could say...*hug
marc - when i say there's something "wrong", it's hard to explain exactly what i mean. so much of what it is 'to be female' is learned from our mothers. without one, it sometimes feels like there is something a bit off about me. it's nothing concrete that i can put a finger on, more a general feeling that i'm missing something intangible.
Hey Leah, I didn't see the link to your blog until today, and I so happy that I did! My mom passed away 6 years ago in March, and it was so nice (and reasurring) to know that I'm not the only one who gets depressed, etc. during The Month. I also know what you mean about "something" being missing without a mom around, especially as a female. Not only for all of the little questions, can I put a backpack in the dryer?, but also all the questions and conversations that will never happen. Anywho, I think in a way missing such a huge relationship in life can make other one's stronger (like the one with my dad that I never had until my mom died). Okay, I'm going to stop rambling now, feel better!
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