I don't care if Monday's black

Another weekend came and went. This one was fairly low key but I think I needed that. I spent Friday and Sunday evening on my own and read, listened to music, folded some origami, lauded affection on my cat, and was just quiet in my own space. I'm a fairly extroverted person but I still savour time spent alone. In the company of others I find it difficult to reflect because I'm too caught up in the present. Yet, without reflection, I tend to feel lost and disconnected from my feelings.

On Friday, I came home from work feeling disheartened and upset. A long, stressful work week in combination with a small conflict with a good friend left me extra sensitive. I met up with E. after work and with very little provocation, ended up in tears. Mostly, I felt overwhelmed and just needed to vent my frustration and anxiety. He listened and offered some good advice while I simultaneously felt better (for having talked about what was bothering me) and worse (because I immediately worried that I wasn't very much fun to be around). Of course, I don't expect anyone around me to be happy all the time but I have pervasive thoughts that people expect that of me.

A couple weeks ago, my stepbrother sent me a copy of The Alchemist and I finally finished it last night. It was my second time reading it and it was okay, but not as good as I remembered it being. I think that's partly because I began to recall how it ended partway through so it lost the suspense that it had on its first reading. I won't say any more than that because it's the kind of book that is best read without much preamble. If you haven't read it, check it, and let me know what you think.

When each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises.
- from The Alchemist

If These Walls Could Talk

Sometimes I wonder what observers would think if they were watching my life on a tiny camera unbeknownst to me. Tonight they would have seen me come home from work and meet up with my boyfriend who brought over groceries for dinner and a surprise gift for no occasion (the best kind of gift). The observers would notice us don our workout clothes, disappear for 45 minutes and return with redder faces and glistening skin. The camera would pan to us cooking dinner together, each of us completing our own separate tasks but somehow finishing our dishes at the same time and bringing them to the table. A close-up shot of us talking while we ate the meal we'd just made. The conversation fluxes from light-hearted to serious and back again. Each of us talking in earnest about things that are important to us. We clean up quickly so that we can watch the election results come in. The camera watches as I lie in his arms and catches the subtle, affectionate gestures of my hand running across his leg or his hand brushing against my arm. Fast forward to a little later in the evening. We are lying on my bed with our eyes lined up and our mouths in close proximity. We are taking turns asking and answering questions. There is a gentle happiness between us; I wonder if the camera could pick up on it. It's a snapshot of an ordinary evening but it is anything but ordinary to me. It is perfect, absolutely perfect.

i was waiting for a cross-town train in the
london underground when it struck me
that i've been waiting since birth to find a
love that would look and sound like a movie
- the postal service

Bloggity Blog Blog

Have I really not updated this page since last Monday? Tsk, tsk, tsk. My life has felt busy lately and as a result I've had less time to be introspective. Last night, however, I had the chance to lie in darkness and let my mind wander. One of my favourite things to do when my life gets hectic and I have a lot on my mind is to turn off all the lights, crawl into bed, put on a pair of headphones, and listen to music. There is something amazingly therapeutic about blocking out all the other noise and letting the notes swirl around me while I ponder different thoughts.

My mind is buzzing these days, but I am happy. I spent most of the weekend with my partner-in-crime extraordinaire. One of the nicest things about our relationship is how easily we seem to get along with one another. We can spend long periods of time together and not get irritated or bored. I like the way our relationship is unfolding. I like looking across a crowded room and seeing his face light up when our eyes meet. I like that he often knows exactly what I'm thinking without me ever having to say a word. This relationship feels different than my past relationships in a lot of positive ways.

Some other highlights from the weekend:
- Went to Shy FX (a drum and bass DJ) on Friday night and danced and smiled and generally had a great time!
- A bustling house party on Saturday night
- A yummy and very fun brunch/potluck on Sunday
- Catching up on sleep
- Lots of decadent eating/drinking

Alright, one more thing before I end this entry. Today is election day and I hope that each and every one of you (who lives in Canada) goes out and votes! It's important!

A poem to start the week...

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new
- e.e. cummings

Advice from my Older Brother

Ah, Sunday nights. The weekend is almost over and a new work week is about to begin. I used to dislike Sunday evenings to such an extent that I would work myself into a state of anxiety and extreme upset about the week ahead. A lot of that came down to hating the job that I had at the time and dreading going into work the next day, but it also had to do with a general feeling of unhappiness with my life that I simply don't have anymore. Now, I kind of like Sunday nights. I like to reflect on the weekend and plan for the week before me. Small changes can completely alter ones perceptions --that concept continues to be reinforced in my life.

Today I had a lazy, slow wakeup and then spent the afternoon with my stepbrother, Jeff, who was up from Calgary for the day. My dad and his mom starting dating when I was 15 or 16 and Jeff was the cool, older brother that I always wished that my real brother had been. Jeff is six years older than me but he has always treated me like a friend who cares about my thoughts and feelings. These days, we don't see each other all the time or even talk all that often, but there is a closeness between us that I really appeciate. Our relationship tends to be one filled with silliness and mutual mockery of one another but today over a pint of beer he momentarily got serious and told me that he had a small piece of advice for me. Earnestly, he said that the greatest lesson he's learned is to stop listening to his head and, instead, tries to always follow his heart. He told me that if I continued to do what feels right in my heart then I would always find my way in the world. It's not like I've never heard anyone else say that before, but it meant a lot to hear him say that and it resonated with me for hours afterwards.

Friday afternoon survey

I get sent these things all the time and decided to spend the last bit of my day completing one.

01. Your name plus "y"
leahy

02. Two feelings at the moment?
tired and excited for tonight.

03. What are you listening to right now?
the buzzing of my computer and the fluorescent lights in my office.

04. A part of a song lyric that's in your mind:
like a star in the night, baby i've fallen for you.

05. Describe where you are right now?
sitting at my desk waiting for this work week to end.

06. The highlight of your week?
hmmm…i'd have to go with the conversation that i had on monday night.

07. What are you craving to have right now?
a nap.

08. Any unforgettable childhood memory?
Dancing while my mom played piano.

09. A not-so-good childhood memory?
I had a little sponge sandwich for the bath and decided that sticking a piece of the lettuce up my nose was a good idea. It wasn't.

10. What are your nicknames?
I don't really have any.

11. Your three plans for tomorrow?
sleeping in late, working out with kelly, hanging out with eli.

12. Your three plans for today?
get through the last hour of work, workout, a dinner date.

13. Are you thinking of someone right now?
sure am.

14.ever gotten drunk before?
gasp! no (yes)

16. Are you single?
no

17. Say something to the person who posted this before you?
thank you for helping me waste some of the last hour of work.

18. Mary has her little lamb. What do you want?
sustained happiness.

19. What colour are your eyes?
blue.

20. Say anything you like to whoever is reading your answers.
thanks for reading my thoughts.

21. Are you feeling hungry?
nope

22. Who do you miss right now?
julia

23. Last friend you talked to online?
eli

24. What do you like about night?
that's when the stars shine2

5. If you were on a farm what would you want to see?
baby farm animals. specifically, goats, bunnies, kittens, and pigs.

26. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
a doctor. hahaha. i guess i didn't realize that being good at math and science were requirements for this career choice!

27. Last gift?
martini glasses.

28. Did you like it?
yes!

29. Do you play an instrument?
i have a guitar and i can play a few chords.

30. What song did you last hear?
strange brew by cream.

31. Your good luck charm?
the crystal that kevin gave me.

32. Person you hate most?
i'm trying to reduce the hate in my life and answering this honestly would merely perpetuate it.

33. Who makes you laugh the most?
one of my co-workers should be a stand-up comic.

34. What makes you smile?
being around people i like.

35. Who has a crush on YOU?
the guy i'm dating

36.Who do YOU have a crush on?
the guy i'm dating

Disappointment

I got some disappointing news yesterday about grad school. Basically, my hopes of starting in the fall of 2006 have been dashed. Despite having two undergraduate degrees, good marks, AND having three years of work experience in the field that I want to study, I am being told that I have to complete some supplemental classes before I will be admitted.

I wouldn't be frustrated by this if I believed that the supplemental courses would be worthwhile and would make me a better candidate for grad school but I just don't believe that they will. I think they will be a waste of time and money and only further the time it is going to take for me to complete my studies. I am most frustrated by learning that the University puts no weight on my work experience when the program is designed for people who are WORKING. Anyone who has left the sterility of academia knows that there are limitations to the theoretical and that actual applied experience is priceless. But, what do I know? Apparently, without an undergraduate degree from the University of Alberta in Criminology, I know nothing.

I'm trying not to take this setback too hard because not going to grad school means having a lot more time and money to do other things. Things that are way more fun than grad school would ever be! And, this is only a temporary setback. I'm determined to make this happen at some point!

The ants go marching

For the last week or so I have had fitful sleeps attributed to a pesky cough that has been waking me out of the depths of slumber. Sick and tired of being sick and tired, I decided to take a sleeping pill last night hoping to drift off into a deep, peaceful sleep for more than a few hours. It worked, I slept, but with the side effect that I am like a walking zombie today. Getting out of bed this morning took every ounce of determination that I had. Conclusion: no more sleeping pills unless I have ten or twelve or more hours to bask in bed.

After forcing myself into a vertical position, I peered out my window and watched cars line up and inch ever-so-slowly towards downtown. Each car was like an ant, marching along in step, going with the flow, and not questioning where or why or what they were doing. The occupants of the vehicles (generally one per car) stared blankly ahead of them and I began to wonder what they were thinking about. Did they have a nice night? Were they looking forward to their day? How many of them had sex last night? How many of them were happy deep down? What secrets were they keeping? While idling before my building, did they ever glance up to my window and wonder the same questions about me?

On and on

Phew! My life has been hectic these days. My work days have been filled with meetings, deadlines, and major projects and my evenings have been filled with lots of socializing. Things are fantastic but I'm feeling the strong need to slow down slightly so that I don't collapse from exhaustion. I can tell that I'm taxing my body because I've had a cold that has been lingering for a couple weeks and a cough that has been lingering for months.

On Friday night I hosted a martini party at my place that was attended by about 25 people. I stressed about it for weeks, trying to plan the right proportions of alcohol, making sure I had enough glasses, and worrying about how all of those people would fit in my apartment but in the end it all worked out! The worst thing that happened was receiving a noise complaint from my "sleep deprived neighbour" who stuck a note under my door the next day. All in all it was a great success!

One of the things that I clearly remember about my mom was what an amazing organizer/host that she was. I have vivid memories of my mom cooking and preparing all day for parties that were thrown at our house. After she died, I was taken aback by how many people commented on the parties they had attended at our house and how sociable and welcoming she was. As I put out my nicely decorated veggie platters, antipasto and crackers, and other snacks, I thought about how much she impacts my life even though she isn't here.

Ooooh, some exciting news! I have a trip planned to go to Vancouver at the beginning of March. I bought my plane tickets yesterday so it's now official! I will be going to visit my good friend Julia who I last saw in the summer and miss lots! In addition, Eli is going to be in Vancouver at the same time and we are going to go to see Stereolab and then fly back to Edmonton together! Yay! It will be a real vacation and I am super excited!

Will I see you give more than I can take?
Will I only harvest some?
As the days fly past will we lose our grasp
Or fuse it in the sun?

Dear Work: You Suck

Ugh. You know that feeling when you wake up, look at the clock and realize that your alarm didn't go off and it's now 8:35am and you have to leave right NOW for work if you have any hope of making the 9am meeting that you are expected at? Except, you went to bed last night with wet hair so your hair is now sticking straight up in five different directions and there is no way that you can go to work looking that way. Ugh! So, you quickly jump into the shower and jump out of the shower and literally run out of the house with wet hair and the anxiety of trying to make a twenty-minute drive only take thirteen minutes? That pretty much sums up my morning.

Then, before even having a chance to have a sip of coffee I was sitting at a boardroom table being told that I have a presentation due TOMORROW because the boss of my boss is going on vacation and decided that he wants to peruse my work while on holidays but I will have to wait for him to get me a bunch of information which for some reason he couldn't get me until 3pm giving me a mere two hours to work on it! So, I drop everything else, scramble to get it done, and he has the audacity to critique the fact that it wasn't snazzy enough for his liking. He actually said "we like lots of pictures to keep it interesting". HOW OLD ARE THEY THAT THEY NEED PICTURES TO KEEP THEIR ATTENTION? Shouldn't the fact that they are making important decisions be enough to captivate them? Grrrrr.

I have a headache.
I am grumpy.
Work, you suck this week.

Happy New Year

Welcome to 2006! I'm back to my regularly scheduled life after more than a week of holidays. I had ten days off and I thoroughly enjoyed each and every one of them! The last week was a flurry of activity with parties, family dinners, Hanukkah/Christmas celebrations, birthday celebrations and New Years Eve but I still managed to have ample time to relax and recharge.

By the way, do you know how nice it is to have people requesting blog updates? Awwwww, thanks readers! I love you all! How was my birthday? Excellent! I had an impromptu wine-fuelled get together at my place and drank enough to help me forget how old I turned. I think I'm 23 or 25 or something ; )

How was New Years Eve? Awesome! I had a great night. I started the evening with drinks at a friend's place, then went to the Starlite Room for Eli's party. I was so impressed with how well everything came together for him. The party was filled with around 900 people who were smiling, looking beautiful, and having a blast. I serendipitously ran into my...ummm...boyfriend (that's going to take some getting used to) at midnight and was able to give him a kiss. At around 1ish, I left that party and went over to the GOMP party which was also fantastic! It was so nice to walk into a room and see so many familiar faces. I danced and danced and danced until I could dance no more. It was a great start to the new year!

Ummm...what else can I tell you? Well, as mentioned above I have started dating someone. Although, starting is a relative term since this has been a slow and delicate dance for a while. I don't want to make any of you queasy so I'll resist the temptation to wax poetic. Instead, I'll just say that I'm happy and excited to see where the new year takes me/us.

You can fly away to the end of the world
But where does it get you to?
'Cause just when you least expect it
Just what you least expect