Ebb and Flow

I haven't been posting too much lately which I'd like to tell you is because my life has been incredibly fascinating with little time to write, but that's not true. Mostly, I've just been uninspired and haven't had too much to say. Some weeks pass that way with nothing particularly bad happening and nothing particularly good happening. During these kinds of weeks the days melt into one another blurring the difference between Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday.

But, last night was a fantastic night. I don't want to divulge too much at this point but there are some interesting things in the works!

Tonight I have an exciting night ahead of me. I am doing a fly-along in the police helicopter! This will be my first time ever in a helicopter and I am both excited and nervous. I'll let you know how it goes…

Happy Friday, everyone! I hope you all have lovely weekends : )

Family

It's 1:30am on Saturday night and I am at my favourite aunt and uncle's place in Calgary. This whole weekend (so far) has been filled with hanging out with family members and it's been wonderful. For those of you who know me well, you know how monumental a weekend like this is. I've reconnected with a number of relatives that I haven't seen in a long time, had some excellent conversations, and have felt really loved.

This afternoon I had the opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with my Dad -- something that very rarely happens. It was amazing. We didn't have any long, in-depth talks, but that's not really my Dad's style. Instead, we wandered around Chinook Centre (shopping mall) and my Dad generously treated me to some new clothes! Then, unexpectedly, right before we were going to say goodbye, he asked me how I was REALLY doing and patiently listened while I talked. Although that probably doesn't sound earth-shattering, it meant so much to me.

Technical Difficulties

Something is seriously wrong with my computer leaving me unable to log into this site from home : ( Luckily, I have a lovely friend who has generously offered to help me fix up my whole system next weekend so I should be set after that. I've decided to give up on Linux and go back to Windows. Yes, I am admitting defeat! It's not that I couldn't figure out Linux eventually, it's just that I don't have the passion or inclination to do so. I have figured out a great deal, but I've come to the realization that sitting in front of my computer until late in the evening puzzling over Linux is NOT fun for me. In addition, I'm in the midst of taking a course and all of the practice exams that I need to load on my computer are only made for Windows operating systems. So, we will be doing an entire system overhaul, reinstalling Windows, and a bunch of new programs. I am incredibly excited about the thought of a fully functional computer again! wOOt!

Intersecting Lines

The weekend was good (for the most part!):

- Attended a pretty crazy party
- Played poker for the first time (won ~$7)
- Participated in the Terry Fox Run early Sunday morning
- Scrabble galore at the Sugarbowl Sunday night
- Lots of reading and writing and artwork
- Good decisions
- Bad decisions
- Flirted shamelessly with someone interesting

I know vague, point-form recaps aren't that exciting, but for a variety of reasons I'm reluctant to share too much more detail than that for now.

However, I will share this story:

It's funny how certain people continue to cross paths over and again in ones life. For me, there is a guy that I went to school with from nursery all the way to University. Our families knew each other and our older brothers were friends. We were never extremely close, but always had a congenial, friendly relationship. In University, we were both involved in the Students' Union and both assisted with a number of bands/concerts/events that took place on campus.

After University we lost touch with each other when I moved from Calgary to Edmonton. Then, one night, I was out at a party in Edmonton and ran into him once again! It turned out that he was the promoter for the party and we laughed at how our lives seemed destined to continue to intersect. After that meetup, I didn't see him again until we met up at a most unlikely event: The Canadian Country Music Awards in Calgary. I'm not exactly sure how he was connected to that event, but I was there because I was the guest of a musician who was doing a tribute to Gordon Lightfoot who was being inducted into the Canadian Country Music Hall of Fame. When he saw me, he couldn't hold back his surprise and laughter at seeing me at such an unlikely event and I could tell he was wondering exactly how I was connected to the musician I was with.

Now, fast forward to this past week. I recently made the acquaintance of a most intriguing guy and found out that he works for the friend that continues to jump in and out of my life! What a small, small world. Most embarrassingly, my friend recounted this whole story to the guy I was just getting to know leaving him with a hilarious first impression of me.

Somewhere You are Dreaming

Owwwww, my body is aching! Last night, I had my first pilates class and it was a killer! I decided to take the level 2 class because it was recommended for people with some yoga experience, but after last night's class I've decided to drop back to the level 1. There were only 4 other people in the class and each of them had sleek, pilates-worked bodies. Through each move, the instructor would show us an easy, intermediate, and advanced position and all of my classmates bent easily into the advanced. I was out of my league! I bit my lip and stuck it through but will definitely feel more comfortable in a beginner class.

Then, the torture on my body continued today. I went out for a run with my boss, some pre-hires for the police, and some students who are planning on applying to the police, and was pushed beyond my comfort zone. I thought we were going out to do a leisurely 5km run (the usual) but my boss, a former trainer, took us on a gruelling 10km run that involved doing stairs, pushups, and situps. Eeeeep. I kept up with them, which I am exceptionally proud of, but I can feel the muscle soreness coming.

The level 1 pilates class is tonight and I think after that I am going to have to take a hot bath and head to bed if I'd like to be mobile tomorrow. I can't emphasize enough though, how much exercise changes the way I feel, think, and move through the world. If I've run during the day then I am less apt to get depressed, angry, or upset about things. It's like an antidote to negative feelings.

Last night I met Heather for tea and a wonderful conversation. Interestingly (or coincidentally), the person who's been very much in my thoughts walked in to the tea shop and either did not see me, or saw me but pretended that he didn't (I'd like to believe that it was the former, but realistically it was more likely the latter.) I was planning on saying hello, but he left before I had a chance. However, even without directly interacting with him, I'm glad that he crossed my path because it prompted me to talk to Heather about some of my thoughts and she had very good perspective and advice that I will take to heart. I am earnestly trying to smooth over the parts of my life that have wrinkles, but it may not be successful. Only time will tell.

I am happy that I have you
Even though you're not here now
I know somewhere you are dreaming
Though it's definitely not of me
- Martin Lee Gore

Pink Spirits

Boo!

Ghosts are everywhere. Words written years earlier lurk in dark corners of the internet. The typed letters glide through concrete walls, slide silently beside me, and sting my skin where it's the least thick. I swat away those thoughts and different ones deluge me. Skewed and filtered, the memories resemble fiction more than fact. Everything bathed in a rose-coloured hue. I do not hold grudges, but it might be easier if I did.

Characters

Used book stores are dangerous places for me. The musty smell of the books has some sort of chemical, intoxifying effect that renders me interested in everything and I end up spending far too much time and money. Yesterday, I went into Athabasca Books, which is located a stones throw away from a large, two-level Chapters store yet seems to hold its own quite well. There was a mint condition, hardcover copy of Various Positions: A Life of Leonard Cohen that I couldn't pass up. Then, I came across an Anais Nin Reader which is full of excerpts from her wide range of literary works. And then, a beautiful edition of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina sat at the end of a bookshelf and I snatched that up as well. If anyone is looking for me in the next little while, I'll be the girl sitting in the corner with my nose buried in a book.

At one point, standing beside me, was a very attractive guy wearing a lovely grey sweater and funky glasses who was perusing a Henry Miller novel. I would have loved to start up a conversation with him, ask him to go for coffee, etc. but shyness filled my entire being and I couldn't even smile in his direction. Sigh. I feel so out of practice in starting up conversations with strangers. If anyone has any tips to share, I am all ears : )

Yawned

Last year, at this time, I was spending a lot of time with a friend who's no longer my friend. We ran. We biked. We played games of Scrabble late into the evening. And it was all perfect except happening at the perfectly wrong time.

So much of our lives comes down to timing.

As the fall comes, I am reminded, and it surprises me that I feel such a strong pang of longing.

Just take this longing from my tongue,
all the useless things my hands have done,
let me see your beauty broken down,
like you would do for one you love.

Signal

On the way out, she smiled at him,
he smiled back,
and he raised his hand in a peace sign.

Eyes Wide Open

The moon and the paper are the same white
The pupil of the eye and the ink, both black.
This mysterious meaning remains a circle,
Beyond the possibility of understanding.
-Sokuhi (1616-1671)

Searching

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that the Labour Day Weekend just passed and it is September again. Where did the summer go? Or, moreover, where has this year gone? The days slip by in what seems like a silent sleekness.

On Friday, I took a vacation day and went golfing in Athabasca with some of my office mates. One of my co-worker's has a beautiful log cabin on the lake there and invited us all to spend the evening. There were about 12 of us, and we spent much of the time laughing, drinking, and generally having a great time. It's nice to work in an office where the people get along so well that they are inclined to spend days off together. A multi-activity competition called the Templeton T-Off was set up that included golf, fishing, and a game of Rummoli. The overall winner would win the admiration and respect of everyone AND get their name on the Templeton trophy and lo and behold, I won. It was a surprise to everyone, including me. Somehow, I managed to golf the best game of my life, caught three fish (even though I've never fished before), and lucked out at Rummoli. Plus, the winner of the competition won a box of specialty golf balls worth $65, but since golfing isn't something I do very often, I made a deal with one of my co-workers that he could have the golf balls if he bought me coffee for a week. He thought he had gotten the good end of that deal but I would take coffee over golf balls any day!

The rest of the weekend was spent mired in introspection. I think I think too much these days. I've made some conscious choices that will be good in the long run, but leave me feeling lonely in the present. I feel like the protagonist in Joni Mitchell's "All I Want" -- on a lonely road and travelling. Looking for something, what can it be? Except it would be so much easier if I actually was travelling right now. Loneliness is acceptable when you are in an unfamiliar place, it's acceptable when you are away from home, but it is not acceptable when you are just living your day-to-day life. Joni goes on to say, "I want to be strong, I want to laugh along, I want to belong to the living" and that echoes so much of what I've been feeling.

Last weekend, when I was in the mountains on the camping trip, I spent a bit of time with a friend that I don't get to see nearly often enough. We made our way down to the dock that sat along the river with the most beautiful landscape before us and chatted. He turned to me, at one point, and remarked that he hadn't seen me out to events with our friends for the entirety of the summer and told me that I was missed. He told me that in his experience, even the most awkward situations can eventually be resolved, and that I shouldn't feel like I have to be a stranger. I was touched by his genuineness and his earnest optimism, but right now I just can't put on a brave face. Which isn't to say that I want to lose touch with everyone, on the contrary, there are some people that I'd love to hear from on a one-on-one basis.

So, on I go, trying to build new friendships and explore different activities. Continuing running on a regular basis, enrollment in Pilates, beginning a lunch-hour Tai Chi class, and searching for connection.

Like the sun, my hope will rise again.

Untitled

I'm feeling much, much better. Although it seemed incredibly indulgent to take two days off for a cold, I think it was the right thing to do. For some reason, my body always has a really hard time getting over colds and I end up coughing for weeks (sometimes months) afterwards. This time I decided to get lots of rest at the beginning of the cold, took lots of Cold Fx (ginseng), and slept more than I even thought was possible, and all of that seems to have had a positive effect.

I was reading this article in Salon about the way that blacks and whites are depicted in various photos coming out of Hurricane Katrina. In one photo, a young black person is shown wading through water with goods obtained from a store. The caption says that he was looting. In another photo, two white people are similarily shown wading through water with goods, but in this case the caption reads that they "found" the items. This has started lots of discussion about whether this is an example of racism still being prevelant in the media. I'm not sure what to think. The two photgraphs were taken by different photographers and the captions were written independently, so I don't think it would be correct to conclude that this is an example of systemic racism. However, it does seem to highlight the fact that we all use heuristics when we interpret what is happening in a picture, and sometimes those heuristics are based on race. It's subtle, but something that we all should be a little more conscious of. What do you think?

Stre-e-e-tch

Marc-Julien linked to this website, which has a potpourri of neat things. One of the items advertised on this site was a paperweight that displayed the following "5 rules for happiness":

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

I agree that doing those five things would go a long ways to happiness, but how does one just "free your heart from hatred" or even more importantly, "free your mind from worries"? It reminds me of that trite sentiment, "don't worry, be happy" that was bounced around ad nauseum in the 80s. Anyone who has ever felt sad or anxious, realizes that being happy would be a much better place to be, but achieving that state of mind can be a challenge. As such, I'm going to keep my US$28 and spend it on something better than a paperweight : )

Like...pilates classes! In September, I am going to be taking classes here two times a week. Supposedly, pilates is an excellent complement to running. I am excited!