The Fuse is Getting Shorter

Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it. And happy holidays to everyone else! I knew it was going to happen and it did: I have reached the saturation point with my family. My brother's arrogance, my Dad's nit-picking, and my stepmom's incessant questioning is starting to annoy me and it's taking every ounce of patience to not snap at everyone. Last night everyone went to bed at 10pm and I, who am used to staying up for at least 3 or more hours more, wasn't the least bit tired. I decided to go for a walk and made the mistake of announcing this to my Dad. Now, keep in mind that my parent's live in a VERY nice neighborhood in Calgary where the police calls probably have more to do with neighbor disputes than anything remotely sinister. Still, my Dad and stepmom tried their hardest to talk me out of my walk but I persisted, walked, and came back in one piece.

So, yes, they are starting to drive me a little crazy but I keep reminding myself that it's the holidays, that I should try to be on my best behaviour, that they mean well, and that I will be heading back to a wholly independent life tomorrow.

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

: )

Reflection

Spending a bunch of days with my family tends to make me reflective and that is certainly true this visit. I think it's because there tends to be a lot of down time which lends itself to mind wandering, contemplation, and reflection. I can't help but think about what my life was like last year at this time. Last year, I was supposed to go on a road trip to California to attend a party in the desert but at the last minute changed my mind (for very good reason) and stayed with my family. I remember spending the holidays last year being inconsolably upset. My Dad got so worried about me that he planned a last-minute trip to Radium with the hope that taking me somewhere else would cheer me up a little bit. At the end of last year I was convinced that 2005 would be a horrible year and that the whole universe was conspiring against me. Interestingly, the opposite ended up being true. As the year unfolded, I found myself sorting more and more stuff out and I would say that this year has been a turning point to a much more positive place.

For the first time in a long time I've been consistently happy. I won't pretend that everything is perfect or that things are 100% the way that I would have them be if I was able to just wave a magic wand but I really don't have much to complain about. I have a fantastic job, great friends, a pretty decent relationship with my family, and lots of exciting plans for the future. All of the conflict that I had has faded away. I don't let people drag me into their drama anymore. I refuse to fight with people that I don't respect or even like. I've been getting a lot better at just shrugging my shoulders and letting things slip right off me.

I am looking forward to 2006. Here's a sampling of things I'm looking forward to:

- I hope to start grad school in September
- I've made some new friends who are awesome and who I look forward to getting to know better
- Julia has challenged me to run the Vancouver 1/2 marathon with her in May
- I am going to write (and pass, I hope!) the Certified Fraud Examiner's Exam
- I am going on a trip somewhere. I don't know where or when or with whom but I have put money aside and am going somewhere!
- Jen's wedding in February
- Stopping biting my nails. Seriously. I'm too old to be doing that. Enough is enough. Seriously.

I hope that wherever in the world you are, that you are feeling as optimistic about the new year. Have you made any resolutions? What are they? What are you looking forward to in the new year? Come on, indulge me!

And now I'm in Calgary

Today was a very busy day to be in an airport! I left Vancouver just as the sun was starting to peek through the clouds and made my way to Edmonton where I picked up my car and drove down the very busy Highway 2 to Calgary. I went directly to my Dad's and went out for dinner with him and my stepmom. Once we got through the "are you dating anyone? how's your job? are you dating anyone? how's your condo? are you dating anyone? have you lost weight? are you dating anyone?" inquistion we were able to settle into a normal conversation. We then tried to go see a movie but it appears that everyone in Calgary had the exact same idea as every movie that looked remotely interesting was sold out. We settled for wandering around the mall which was much less busy than I thought it would be and I bought a beautiful pair of long black boots. Oooh la la, there will be more skirt wearing in my future!

It's now 11pm and both my Dad and stepmom have gone to bed! It's okay because truthfully I am exhausted and am looking forward to curling up in bed with a book. Not the most exciting Friday night but the perfect start to the holidays. I just had a short phone call with a certain guy whose been occupying a lot of my thoughts. I miss him and am looking forward to seeing him in a few days. This is the longest we've gone without talking/seeing each other in months but it's kind of nice to miss him. When we are able to hang out it will all be that much sweeter. Awww. Whose feeling nauseated by the sweetness of this post? Me, so I'll stop swooning!

I am very excited because tomorrow I am meeting up with Jen! Yay! Jen is the friend that I wish would have followed me to Edmonton when I moved there. Don't you wish you could pack up your best friends and just have them follow you around as you live your life? Well, selfish her, decided to stay in Calgary and pursue a phD so I have had to settle for seeing her on a less than regular basis. The great thing is, she's the kind of friend who I can pick up with and have it seem like no time at all has passed. She's the friend who sees through all the layers and probably knows me better than I even know myself. She's a friend for life, for sure.

Alright, my bed and book are calling...

Goodnight!

Hello from Rainy Vancouver...

I just had a whole day of meetings and am now done for the holidays! The last two days have been fascinating and hardly felt like work even though that's what it's all been. Today I was taken down to East Hastings where we drove through an alley that was unlike anything I have ever seen. A young guy was just finishing shooting a needle into his arm and was fumbling to roll up his sleeve as we passed by. In doorways, vacant eyes popped out to see who was coming down the alley. Their faces were marked with scabs and their eyes were simply haunting....so dead and lifeless. They stared at us as we walked by, swaying and shaking and obviously very high on whatever drugs they had just purchased. The detective we were with welcomed us to "skid row", he told us that this was the worst area in the entire city. His feeling was that the shelters, safe injection sites, and charitable organizations in and around this area only feed the problem. I sat quietly not knowing what to say. I found myself feeling sick to my stomach thinking about how these people would be spending the holidays. I wondered how many of them would make it through the next year.

On a happier note, I spent the evening with my brother last night and had a chance to catch up with him. We sat and chatted for hours together and then he slaughtered me at Scrabble. My brother has always been a very good Scrabble player and, in fact, there was a time where I just refused to play with him because it wasn't fun to be beaten every single time. I remember mocking him for learning the 2-letter words and he rubbed that in last night when I played words like "OD" and "AA". In most ways, my brother and I couldn't be more different but I'm starting to realize that we're not complete opposites. It's been good to spend time with him.

Tomorrow I fly back to Edmonton and will then drive to Calgary to spend the holidays with the rest of my family. I will also get to visit with one of my best friends, Jen, who I don't get to see or talk to nearly enough. Yay! I am also hoping to get out to the mountains at some point in the next few days. There is so much to look forward to this year, it's wonderful.

Insomnia-Driven Entry

I have been out of University for about six years now (!) and I forget how frustrating the University bureacracy can be. I have decided that I want to go back next year to start my Masters degree in Criminal Justice and my application has to be in by February (February 15th to be exact!).

Back in September, I began the process of trying to speak to the graduate studies advisor. I'm coming from a somewhat untraditional background and want to make sure that I have all of the pre-requisites before I apply. This has proved to be fruitless thus far. I've sent numerous emails and have made several phone calls but for some reason she doesn't want to speak to me : (

I am hoping that this is not foreshadowing the results of my application. I also need three academic letters of reference but don't even know how to go about that since I haven't been in touch with ANY of my professors for more than six years! Aghhhhhhhhh! Do I ask one of the professors who gave me an A, even though I know he/she won't remember me? Do I contact the Economics professor who propositioned me in my third year? Do I get a reference from my honours Operations Management field study class that has absolutely no relevance to a Sociology degree? These are questions I would ask the Sociology graduate studies advisor if she would ever call me back!

Note: If any of you reading this have any tips/advice for getting into grad school, please send them to me ASAP! Or, if by some weird coincidence you know the graduate studies advisor for Sociology at the University of Alberta, could you please tell her to phone me?

Anyways, aside from having intermittent anxiety attacks about grad school, things have been going pretty well. I am in Vancouver for the remainder of this week for work and then I am off on holidays until January 3rd! That makes me so happy, I can't even adequately express my joy!

Much too much

Sometimes I wish I was a cat. Or more specifically, sometimes I wish I was MY cat. Right now, she is curled up in a little ball beside my computer, purring happily away simply because I'm home. That's seriously all it takes to make her happy. Every now and then I stroke her head and she responds by making cute little chriping sounds. It is so cute it makes me want to vomit.

I wish that simple things could make me as happy. Instead, I am mired by always wanting more. By thinking about what could be. By analyzing and evaluating EVERYTHING until my head feels like it's going to explode. I think too much. I worry too much. I wear my heart on my sleeve too much. I let people walk all over me too much. Too much!

I recently got a hair cut that changed my look drastically. If only a personality change could be as easily ordered, purchased, and implemented.

Am I reading too much into the way you touch me?
When you brush by, it's much too much
Am I reading too much into nothing?

Am I reading too much into the things you do?
And do they mean the same to you?
Am I reading too much into nothing?

Am I thinking too hard about the things you say?
A glance can last me one whole day
- John Wesley Harding

Rude Bruce

Something happened to me today that should NEVER happen to a woman! It was awful, awkward, uncomfortable, and put a damper on an otherwise stellar day! After work I had a Christmas schmoozing function where I wined and dined with all sorts of important movers and shakers. With a glass of red wine in hand, I ran into a guy that I very occasionally deal with in the course of my work. It's been a while since I last saw him so I tried to be polite and said, "Hi Bruce, I'm not sure if you remember me or not, I'm Leah...", at which point he interrupted and said "Of course I remember you!" He then smiled, put his hand ON MY STOMACH, rubbed it in a circular motion and said "I don't remember this though", implying that I was PREGNANT! I was so aghast at his remark that I just stood there with my jaw open. I nervously laughed and pretended that I didn't hear what he said and started talking about something (I don't even know what, I was just trying to change the subject!) Now, I am not rail thin but I am in pretty good shape, have a 26 inch waist, and most certainly do NOT look the least bit pregnant!

What bothers me most is that I found his remark rude and it seriously bothered me but I didn't say anything. I really, really wanted to but the moment passed and it didn't seem appropriate at the end of the conversation to say, "look fucker, don't EVER say that to another woman unless you are positive that she is going to pop out a baby any minute." I am hurt and insulted by his comment because I've actually been working quite hard at changing my body into a sleeker, sexier version of itself and I'm quite proud of the progress that I've made. Countless evenings I've gone out running when I'd rather not have, countless mornings I've gotten up early to get my run in when I would have rather slept. It bothers me that a stranger's thoughtless remark would bother me as much as it did.

Thankfully, the evening ended on a much nicer note when I met the lovely Miss K for Baileys and girl talk. It's interesting that my last entry was all about not opening up and putting up walls because I am distinctively not like that with Kim and I was conscious of that as I spoke to her tonight. The difference is that I trust Kim implicitely, have built up years of goodwill with her, and know that she loves me through and through. It is possible to get to that point with me, it just takes time.

Squeak

I had a long conversation with a friend yesterday who said that I frustrate him with my "impenetrable walls." He said that he wishes that I would open up a bit more to him and just tell him what I really think. When he first said that I felt defensive and wanted to deny what he was saying, but as I think about it more I realize that he has a point. I've gotten into a routine of holding my cards very close to my chest. The problem is that I don't have a very good poker face, so although I'm not giving anything away by talking about how I feel, I end up sending all sorts of mixed messages through my facial expressions. I'll say "everything's fine", but my face betrays how I really feel. I've come to the conclusion that I either have to get better at hiding emotions on my face or I should just abandon this whole facade and just be honest.

I really don't mean to be so mysterious. It is simply a learned behaviour; a learned response that gets ingrained by repeating it over and over. The very simple truth is that I have gotten burned by being honest. I've been hurt by wearing my heart on my sleeve so as a self-protective measure, I've closed the gates, erected walls, and have hired heavy security to make sure that no unauthorized persons gain entry to the vaults. It's silly, really. It's a lot of effort, it's not doing me any good, and worst of all, it's gotten to the point where I don't even realize that I'm being that way! Siiiiiiiiigh.

The ironic thing is that I yearn for people to get to know me, to know the REAL me that is hidden deep below. I think that's part of the reason why I keep this blog, for example. I like that people are interested in my life, in my thoughts, and in the person that I am. I seriously love having conversations that dip beneath the superficial. However, what I'm realizing is what I don't love is having conversation that touches on things that make me feel vulnerable. And that, friends, is because I've somehow become a fearful little mouse.


Squeak?!

I don't want to squeak my way through life. I want to be the strong, confident girl that I am in my mind's eye. This seems like a perfect resolution for the new year...starting now.

Blink

There's something in your ways
That keeps me vying for a connection
And I know you feel the same
It's become a two-way addiction