Squeak
I had a long conversation with a friend yesterday who said that I frustrate him with my "impenetrable walls." He said that he wishes that I would open up a bit more to him and just tell him what I really think. When he first said that I felt defensive and wanted to deny what he was saying, but as I think about it more I realize that he has a point. I've gotten into a routine of holding my cards very close to my chest. The problem is that I don't have a very good poker face, so although I'm not giving anything away by talking about how I feel, I end up sending all sorts of mixed messages through my facial expressions. I'll say "everything's fine", but my face betrays how I really feel. I've come to the conclusion that I either have to get better at hiding emotions on my face or I should just abandon this whole facade and just be honest.
I really don't mean to be so mysterious. It is simply a learned behaviour; a learned response that gets ingrained by repeating it over and over. The very simple truth is that I have gotten burned by being honest. I've been hurt by wearing my heart on my sleeve so as a self-protective measure, I've closed the gates, erected walls, and have hired heavy security to make sure that no unauthorized persons gain entry to the vaults. It's silly, really. It's a lot of effort, it's not doing me any good, and worst of all, it's gotten to the point where I don't even realize that I'm being that way! Siiiiiiiiigh.
The ironic thing is that I yearn for people to get to know me, to know the REAL me that is hidden deep below. I think that's part of the reason why I keep this blog, for example. I like that people are interested in my life, in my thoughts, and in the person that I am. I seriously love having conversations that dip beneath the superficial. However, what I'm realizing is what I don't love is having conversation that touches on things that make me feel vulnerable. And that, friends, is because I've somehow become a fearful little mouse.
Squeak?!
I don't want to squeak my way through life. I want to be the strong, confident girl that I am in my mind's eye. This seems like a perfect resolution for the new year...starting now.
I really don't mean to be so mysterious. It is simply a learned behaviour; a learned response that gets ingrained by repeating it over and over. The very simple truth is that I have gotten burned by being honest. I've been hurt by wearing my heart on my sleeve so as a self-protective measure, I've closed the gates, erected walls, and have hired heavy security to make sure that no unauthorized persons gain entry to the vaults. It's silly, really. It's a lot of effort, it's not doing me any good, and worst of all, it's gotten to the point where I don't even realize that I'm being that way! Siiiiiiiiigh.
The ironic thing is that I yearn for people to get to know me, to know the REAL me that is hidden deep below. I think that's part of the reason why I keep this blog, for example. I like that people are interested in my life, in my thoughts, and in the person that I am. I seriously love having conversations that dip beneath the superficial. However, what I'm realizing is what I don't love is having conversation that touches on things that make me feel vulnerable. And that, friends, is because I've somehow become a fearful little mouse.
Squeak?!
I don't want to squeak my way through life. I want to be the strong, confident girl that I am in my mind's eye. This seems like a perfect resolution for the new year...starting now.
posted by Leah at
2:21 a.m.
4 Comments:
wow, leah.
be proud that you recognized this as a characteristic that you don't necessarily want to hold on to - and for having the courage to challenge it. i don't think you are a fearful little mouse. i see that you have challenged yourself continuously and overcome many obstacles since i met you years ago. i look up to and envy your perseverance with things like running, writing, work/studies, and your crafting. you might have emotional walls and boundaries that protect you in some situations, but you have been honest and open with me, hence you are one of the most nurturing friends i have ever had. : ) ...just so you have something positive to chew on/reflect on while you go up against yourself in a not-always-pleasant battle. good luck.
xo
This post is me.
I somehow became this way, hiding my vunerability away. Growing up I was always the strong one, the one friends came to for advice, the one who was logical. It was a strange relationship that I had with my feelings. I don't know why my walls were so great, have become so towering - my fear seems so irrational, but real.
When I no longer wanted to do that (keep the walls up) I got hurt again - because as I opened up I found that some people weren't willing to be real - to be on that level. I think a lot of people exist that way. Always being safe, never diving in too deep. I think there are more people than me who are always yearning to know more, learn more, have moments of true connection with more than just a select one or two.
In my head I've decided to try my hardest to open up. What do I have to be scared of. I am who I am. I shouldn't worry about those who aren't real, who can't be real, who can't accept me. I want people to know the real me, but how will I find those true, real people if I never let people in? It is definitely not always easy, it's often scary in a way. I've had to force myself, and sometimes I lapse but other times it's been surprising the doors that have opened. It's reinforced the idea that this is a path I should continue along.
Get drunk and you'll start pouring yer heart out!
j/k
Yeah, I'm a fairly closed individual. I'm starting to care less, though, as time goes on, which helps with the expressiveness. I agree, though, writing, art, etc. is a much more natural means of expression for me as well.
Thanks for your comments...I really appreciate them : )
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home