Happy Anniversary!

On March 29, 2005 I started this blog. I started it with the intention to just write more. I've long known that writing is, for me, a way to heal, a way to cope with the world, a way to relish things that make me happy, and a way to problem-solve things that I am having difficulty with. I just wanted to write more and I liked the idea of sharing my thoughts with friends and strangers alike.

A year ago I was in a much different state. I had so much angst and sadness and anxiety and conflict in my life then. I let a toxic group of people infect me with their poison. Things are much different now. I am in love with someone wonderful, I am surrounded by incredible friends, I am EXCITED about my future, and I am in a much happier place entirely. There are still those who try to hurt me with words or actions but I'm usually quite good at letting their negativity bounce right off me.

*bounce*

So, what's new? I found out on Friday that I've been short-listed for a position that I applied for. I wasn't really looking for another job but an opportunity came along that I just couldn't resist applying for. The next steps are an exam and an interview. The exam consists of a case study that I will have to analyze and present to a panel. I have stiff competition for the position so it's unlikely that I'll be going anywhere but exciting to think about nonetheless.

And, before I end this entry, I feel like I should welcome all the new visitors who have come to visit my little blog. I hope you don't find it too…ummm…boring ;)

One by one the guests arrive
The guests are coming through
The open-hearted many
The broken-hearted few

And those who dance begin to dance
And those who weep begin
Welcome, welcome, cries a voice
Let all my guests come in
- An excerpt from 'The Guests' by Leonard Cohen

Rambling

Yesterday included:

- A dreadfully boring day at work
- A 30 minute run after work
- Dinner with the boyfriend and a great new friend
- A talk about the future and possibility and changes
- Time alone to ponder everything

When I was a little girl I collected those little snow shakers. You know, the plastic ones that they sell in tourist shops with the iconic structures from whatever town you happen to be in. I used to have a whole collection on my dresser and I'd shake them and think about the places I'd been and what places I had yet to visit. Sometimes I wish that I could shake my life in the same way. Have some things stay in the same places, while everything else changes, if only for just a brief time.

Some people are afraid of change. I'm not. I like change. I crave it. But, I've come to understand that change for the sake of change isn't good. It becomes running away from where you are or what you're doing and you can't spend your whole life running. Or, I suppose, you can, but *I* don't want to. Sometimes I feel I'm chasing an ever-elusive happiness that exists only in the realm of fantasy.

About seven years ago, I was hunting for an apartment with a good friend of mine when we stumbled upon this old landlord who didn't have an apartment for us but did impart some good advice. He said that there are three things that determine happiness:

1. Where you live
2. What you do for work
3. Who you live with

He, who had never met either of us, looked us each in the eye and pleaded with us to think carefully about those three things. At the time, we giggled and talked about how creepy he was but his advice has stayed with me, tumbling around in the back of my head.

Where do I want to live? What city? Does a city make the girl happy or is the girl happy in whatever city she lives in? I've had a not-so-secret love affair with Vancouver for a long time but I fear that it's a romanticized ideal that I've created in my head. Yet, I love the bigness of the big city. I want to live in a city that has pockets of people interested in everything that I am. I loved opening up the paper in Vancouver and being overwhelmed by great, cheap, interesting things to do on any given day.

What do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to work? Ahhhh, these are the questions causing me the most grief. I am unconvinced that any office job is going to make me swoon. I like the stability of 9 - 5 and benefits and vacation days but I hate the mundaneness of coming into work every day to do the same kind of work. I am creative and a people person. I want to work on projects that I'm really proud of. I only have a very vague sense of what this all means.

Who do I want to live with? I think this question goes beyond roommates and is a bigger question about who do I want to share my life with. This one doesn't fill me with the same anxiety or trepidation as the others. I don't know ultimately where things will go with my current relationship but I feel confident that it's going to grow and hang around for a while and keep filling me with bits of happiness. I have conviction that it's healthy and right for me right now and it feels nice having at least one big thing sorted out.

Do you have answers for these questions? If so, how did you come to decisions about them? If not, are you actively trying to come to some resolution about them?

Well, my lunch break is over so I should get back to the unremarkable project that I've been assigned.

Blur

Snow, snow, and more snow! I don't recall the last time we had a snowfall like the one we experienced this weekend. Friday night, soft flakes started tumbling to the ground and they just kept falling all weekend making the roads an absolute nightmare! My poor little car just couldn't handle all the slush so we got stuck again and again! It was heartening to have strangers leap out of their vehicles to assist us though - it made me feel like our city is really a small community after all.

Aside from the frustrations of the snow, I had a nice weekend but something was amiss deep down. I've been feeling like my life has become a series of routines and it's making me feel antsy and restless. The weeks pass by in a blur leaving me with a strong sense of déjà vu. I don't know what it is, I guess I feel like I've somehow lost the meaning in my days. I used to feel passionately about the work that I did but lately it's been feeling like I go to work more for a paycheque than anything else. I'm not ready to abandon this job, but I need something -- a goal, a hobby, a craft, a something, to focus on and achieve. If my job isn't filling me with passion then I have to find that elsewhere.

Last year at this time I was committed to running the Vancouver Half-Marathon. I steadily worked towards that goal and was incredibly proud when I achieved it. I feel like I need something similar. A strict writing regimen, a big art project, an athletic goal, or something. I want to stop feeling so listless and, well, boring.

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said,
though I knew she was sleeping
"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why"

On The Contrary

Until very recently, I had two beliefs regarding breakups:

1. New girlfriends and ex-girlfriends don't get along.
2. Friendship is impossible after a significant dating relationship ends.

I have changed my mind about these two points because I have seen evidence to the contrary on both counts. In this particular case, it's been nice to have been proven wrong.

Strep Throat vs Penicillin: Penicillin Wins

This entry is dedicated to Sir Alexander Fleming, the genius who discovered Penicillin:


I'm feeling much, much, MUCH, MUCH better. This is most definitely because Penicillin is currently waging war inside my body with the evil Streptococcus bacteria and Penicillin is winning! Oh yeah! Go Penicillin! Fight! Fight! Fight! I really haven't lost my mind, I'm just deliriously happy to be feeling like myself again.
This weekend got me thinking a lot about conflict and how differently people deal with it. In my opinion, most people don't deal with it all that well. People get stubborn, defensive, and small conflicts tend to explode into much bigger ones. Where do we first learn about conflict? From our families, and more specifically, from our parents. I recall my parent's fighting and I remember that it was always my Mom who smoothed over conflict, calming my Dad down, and making things peaceful again. After my Mom died, I began to take the brunt of my Dad's temper/anger/stubbornness. Now, my Dad was never abusive, but I wouldn't say that he was great at dealing with conflict. Once he was set off, he would stew and be angry for long periods of time. It upset me and ingrained in me the idea that conflicts were something to be avoided at all costs because they would linger long afterwards.

Fast forward to me entering into relationships and it's not surprising that I found myself dating men who weren't great at dealing with conflict. There was the guy who had such a bad temper that he ended up yelling at me and throwing something in a fit of anger. There was the guy who would sulk and be difficult for days after the smallest of arguments. There was the guy who would hang up on me and refuse to discuss anything once he got angry. Over and over the message was relayed to me: conflict is bad! As soon as someone gets angry with me, I get very upset and feel like my whole world is falling apart. If I'm dating someone, I assume that this is IT, that they will realize that they don't want to be with me. If it's a friend, then I get very worried that this will be the end of our friendship. If conflict happens at work then I assume that I'm going to get fired. It's irrational and illogical but it kind of makes sense why I would react that way.

So, imagine how surprising it is to date someone who is "good" at conflict. Someone who gets angry but is direct about his feelings and is willing to deal with the problem right away. Someone who is willing to come to resolution on an argument and be completely normal afterwards. Someone who apologizes for his part in the argument and sincerely accepts my apology for my part in it. I still don't like fighting, but I know that conflict is a normal, healthy part of any relationship. I know that couples who *don't* fight are probably worse off than those who have occasional arguments. It's reassuring to know that it is possible to have an argument that doesn't become a catastrophe and it makes me feel less inclined to just bottle things up.

Things are looking up, friends.

Not My Finest Moments

If you weren't around me today, lucky you! If you were, I probably owe you an apology. I woke up in the middle of the night with the sorest sore throat that I've ever felt. It was like razors poking into my throat anytime I swallowed (which is more than you realize until it hurts to do so.) I went to the doctor who took a look at my throat and actually made a somewhat repulsed sound, did a rapid strep test, and told me what I suspected -- I have strep throat : ( 4 penicillin pills later, I'm feeling better but I feel awful about the way I went about my day. Extra hormones + overtiredness + strep throat = the irrational, emotional, and unpleasant me.

After-Vacation Blues

I have the after-vacation blues. Don't think it's a real thing? It is. At least, the internet says it is, so it *must* be. This morning, sitting in a very tedious meeting, my mind began to wander to thoughts of "is this really what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?" Irrationally, I fantasized about quitting my job, selling my home and all my worldly possessions, and traveling somewhere (anywhere) with my boyfriend. In my mind, we are somewhere warm and I'm wearing a sundress and sandals. We meet interesting people, we write in cafes while sipping cool drinks, and climb mountains and swim in oceans. Jolted back into reality, my rational side reminds me that I really don't have it that bad. My job is interesting most days, there is the possibilty to move to a different work area when I'm bored, and I am paid well which affords me a comfortable life. "It's just the after-vacation blues", I tell myself.

Added to that is the fact that I haven't been eating very well, haven't been working out, didn't sleep very well last night and have a bunch of added hormones swimming through my bloodstream thanks to new birth control. This is all adding up to make me feel slightly more crazy than usual. Whenever I feel off these days, I try to attribute the feeling to concrete things that I can change and that sense of control seems to help immensly. Tonight I'm heading home after work to go for a short run and eat a nutritious dinner and that is sure to make me feel a bit better. I hope that's the case, I'll let you know tomorrow if it worked.

I came across a cover version of Bruce Johnston's (Beach Boys) "Tears in the Morning" and have had it running through my head all day. At least my life isn't depicted in these lyrics:

So you moved out up to Europe
You packed your warmth and you took your soul
Well I hope you do what you're damn sure of
A lonely bed here takes on the cold

Lose a wife, change my life, we're not together
A canceled future well it's hard on me
Gone, you're gone, are you gone forever?
Hope you love the baby I'm never gonna see

Home Again

"And you're back again only different than before..."

My week in Vancouver was fantastic! It was less about what I did there and more about who I was hanging out with. The first part of my trip was spent catching up with Julia (who I hadn't seen since last summer) and the latter part of the trip was spent catching up with Eli (who I hadn't seen for a couple weeks). It felt very cosmopolitan to meet Eli in Vancouver and stay in a nice hotel for a few days.

Vancouver is a beautiful city. Water, mountains, a bustling downtown, cherry blossoms, greenery, rain, activity and adventure everywhere and so much more. It's a city that has captivated me for years. That being said, it was nice to come home today to Edmonton's sunshine and bright blue skies. When we left Vancouver early this morning it was pouring and grey and dismal outside and I'm not sure that I would deal well with that for weeks in a row.

So, what did I get up to in Vancouver? I met some extraordinary people, ate lots of delicious food, drank wine, walked (and walked and walked and walked), saw an amazing concert, explored, kissed and smiled. It was restful and lovely and exactly what I hoped it would be.

The Road Is Too Long

17 words from Leonard Cohen for a snowy, snowy day.