The Vast Unknown

Well, I'm making progress. I have some grander ideas in my head of how I want this page to look but I need more time to make it all happen. Keep posted for further changes!

Ah, there is so much to say and so much not say these days. I have secrets swimming just below the surface and it's killing me to not yell out everything that I am thinking. The problem is that these secrets aren't mine to share so I will have to bite my tongue a while longer. What I can say is that changes are looming and I am both excited and nervous by the various possibilities.

Uncertainty. It is a difficult thing for me. I like things planned, settled, and known. Yet, there are times in life where that is simply impossible. I reason with myself that the future is always uncertain and therefore not worth worrying about in any sort of anxious way. I tell myself to take each day as it comes. Breathe. Live in the now. Stop worrying about things that might not ever be. Appreciate the good. I feel like there is so much wisdom deep down if only I'd take my own good advice.

Hmmm.

On a separate note, I read the following article in the Globe & Mail this past weekend:

Berlin. A swan has fallen in love with a plastic swan-shaped paddle boat on a pond in the German town of Muenster and has spent the past three weeks flirting with the vessel, five times its size, a sailing instructor said yesterday. Peter Overschmidt said the swan will finally figure it out but hopes it won't be heartbroken.

Awwwww. I'm thinking good thoughts for that little swan.

Under Construction

Woah. I made some minor changes to the look of this page and managed to break the formatting that I had. Sorry about the non-matching fonts and weird spacing and sizing issues.

Time to brush up on my HTML.

Then and Now

2:30am - Saturday Night:

I am wide awake. Coffee at 10pm is most likely the culprit. Tonight I went to the Ben Lee/Sam Roberts show at the Starlite Room. I am very grateful to be able to go to so many concerts. I've never seen as much live music before and it's wonderful. Tonight's concert was good, better than I expected. It was absolutely packed with people wall to wall and I couldn't helpt help but feel slightly claustrophobic. Being five feet tall inherently means that everyone around me is taller and that can be a little overwhelming in crowds. I was so relieved when Eli took me to the VIP area which was sweltering hot but up and away from the crowds.


Up on the balcony, I was able to look down on the crowd and observe the way individuals behaved. I watched and had the revelation that in a crowd of people like that everyone is trying to look unique/hip/different but really everyone just looks the same. Black t-shirts, tight jeans, and hair that probably took a long, long time to do. I watched the way individuals interacted with one another and thought to myself "yeah, I *know* you". The girl who smiled sweetly whenever Sam Roberts looked in her direction. She was sexily mouthing the words at him but was really saying "I'll go home with you tonight if you just ask me. Ask me...please?" The guys huddled together, clinking beers, and laughing hysterically. Their eyes always scanning the crowd for a pretty girl to woo. The VIP's who were obviously given free tickets and couldn't care less about the band. They came to be seen, to visit with the other VIP's, and to drink. They stood perfectly still, seemingly unaffected by the drum beats or the guitar riffs. It's the same at every show -- the same characters simply played by different people.

3:30pm - Tuesday afternoon:

Nine things of note:

1. I've been trying to bike to work each day (but not today on account of imminent rainshowers).
2. I've stopped smoking any and all substances.
3. The persistent cough that I've had for months has seemingly disappeared (see above).
4. I'm drinking more water than ever before.
5. I'm peeing more than ever before (see above).
6. I have an awesome new roommate moving in on July 1st.
7. Irving Layton is my new poet du jour.
8. I'm entering a Scrabble tournament on June 10/11th.
9. Storm watching under a blanket just might be the perfect way to end an evening.

Aiming to Impress

Today I went for Part 1 of an intensive interview process. I showed up at the indicated time, looked around at the twenty odd other nervous looking people sitting in the reception area and thought "wow, we can't all be applying for this job, can we?" Indeed we were. Twenty-two candidates were short-listed for the position! We were all herded into an exam room and were given instructions for the exam and then were given two hours to write furiously. It felt like being back in University. I looked around the room and wondered if everyone else was writing more perceptive, more impressive, or more intelligent things than me. Maybe, but more likely we were all coming up with the same ideas and the job will come down to who has the nicest smile or something equally inane. I've learned that it's silly to take the outcomes of job applications too personally because the most qualified/best person for the job is not necessarily the one chosen for any number of reasons that you will never be privy to nor understand.

Part 2 of the process is to return next week and receive a copy of the writing that I did today. I will then get 20 minutes to prepare an oral presentation. At that point I will give a 15 minute presentation to a panel and a formal interview will follow. It's quite the process! I am certainly not holding my breath and am not even sure I will accept the position if it is offered to me. Applying for a job when you have a job is much less stressful than applying for a job when you are unemployed. In a worst-case scenario, you just keep doing what you've been doing. So, who knows...everything could change for me or everything will stay the same. I'll be happy either way, I think.

L.C.

This past weekend my friend Keith patiently stood in line at an Indigo store in Toronto at my request. You see, Leonard Cohen was making a rare appearance to promote his new poetry book and I was disappointed that Toronto was the only store he'd be stopping into so I begged Keith to go on my behalf and get a book signed for me and he agreed. The day of the event he called me saying that he had arrived at the store an hour early and that it was pandamonium and that he was about 200th in line. At that point I wasn't sure if he'd actually get a book signed or even make it inside but I was so touched by his gesture of friendship that I could hardly even express my gratitude.

An hour later he called and left a message for me on my phone and I immediately recognized it as Leonard Cohen's voice and he was reading a poem. It was magical, crystal clear, and on MY cellphone! If I close my eyes I can imagine that Leonard was reading it just to me (he wasn't). And then another message from Keith with Leonard Cohen singing with some other artists. And then a final message of a very excited Keith who wanted to let me know he had a fantastic day and that he did indeed get a book signed for me and that he'd be delivering it to me in person in June. Awww.

The thing that makes this story wonderful is that Keith is a really new friend. Keith is a one of Eli's close friends and when he found out that we were dating, he made a sincere effort to get to know me even though we were across the country from each other. Keith sent me funny, lovely messages and he made sure to set aside some time for me when he visited Edmonton a couple months ago even though he had so many people to juggle into his schedule. The point is, Keith has proven himself to be a caring, generous, and kind-hearted person and it has blown me away. I think that you can tell a lot about a person by examining their close friendships. Like attracts like and good people seem surrounded by good friends. I fell in love with Eli but that feeling has been reinforced over and over again by the company he keeps.

Now, back to Leonard Cohen for a moment. My Dad was the first person who introduced me to music. In fact, much of my early musical influences are records that my Dad had. He happily let me listen to his records and I became a bit obsessive about the records and would play them over and over again ad nauseum while dancing around our basement. I remember the Leonard Cohen records sounding different than anything I'd ever heard before. They were songs with stories that were simple-sounding but proved to be much more complex upon subsequent listens. At that point I didn't know that Leonard Cohen was a writer as well. It wasn't until I was older that I discovered the beauty of his writing and fell in love with the way he expressed himself. Whenever I've felt anything strongly, Leonard is the person that I turn to. His poems, his music, and his whole persona seem to make whatever it is I'm feeling much more understandable and he's more adept at expressing the thoughts and feelings that I've had. Some people have commented that Leonard Cohen is depressing but I have never felt that way. To me, he is inspiring and motivating. He makes me feel that if I concentrated and focused that I too could write like him. Of course, this is the trick of truly brilliant artists...they make it *seem* like their art is easy. It isn't.

So that brings me to tonight. Tonight I am feeling lonely and sad and lost. At the same time I'm feeling optimistic and certain. It is a smattering of different, contrasting emotions but I feel like despite that Leonard would understand. He'd understand that love isn't always easy. He'd understand what I mean when I say that sometimes I feel that I'm difficult to love. He'd understand how I can feel so afraid and so confident at the same time and he'd express all of it succinctly. Something like:

If I,
If I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it go by

...

But I swear by this song
and by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee.

You You You

better than me
are you
kinder than me
are you
sweeter smarter faster
you you you
prettier than me
stronger than me
lonelier than me
I want to get to know you
better and better
- Leonard Cohen

We sat on the rocks by the river and talked about the future. The sun lit up your hair and burned freckles onto my forehead. The wind carried the sweet fragrance of cherry blossom trees and it seemed to follow us wherever we went. If I had to imagine a perfect Sunday afternoon it might be just like today. I tried to hold onto that feeling of perfection and use it to overcome the melancholia of the evening. A noble attempt that almost worked. Almost.