Not Adrift
Time whirs by. It used to creep, it used to slink, but now it whirs. It's as if time has incorporated technological advancements and is now faster, lighter, sleeker - like a shiny new laptop, yet different. At the same time, I feel like I've slowed down, am puttering, and (dare I say) have stalled. This further amplifies the feeling that I am standing still while the world around me has been put on fast forward. It's wholly unpleasant and it makes me think that I have to do something about it.
Something deep inside me screams that I am not made to sit in an office for 23.80% of my life (40 out of 168 hours in a week). While other people travelled after high school, after they completed University, or at some other time, I opted to work at full-time, career-related jobs instead. I was lucky to land well-paying jobs in my field and with student loans haunting me I felt that I had little choice but to work, work, work. To me, taking time off meant delaying the start of life. Some recent news has changed my perspective on the near future and has caused me to have a change of heart. Or at least, it's caused me consider having a change of heart.
Sure, working for the last while has been great for financial security and has given me lots of experience that looks good on a resume. But -- it's also limited the kinds of things I've done and has influenced the way I've lived my life. Getting up early everyday inhibits my activities on weekday nights. Having limited vacation time has meant that I've had to turn down trips and other opportunities. So, here I am, at the beginning of my third decade on the planet in an enviable financial state but, perhaps, a less enviable emotional one.
We had a party at our place on Saturday night and I was talking to a friend who is a die-hard Burning Man devotee. He proudly showed me the receipt for his recently bought ticket and asked if I was thinking of going. My immediate reaction was "No, of course not. How could I get off enough time? It's so far! How could I go? That's ridiculous" but instead of saying that I kind of hummed and hawed about it and ended my reply with something like "yeah, maybe someday". And he laughed at me and told me that with that kind of commitment I'd never get there. And though I don't think Burning Man is exactly what's missing in my life it *does* surprise me that my reaction to someone asking if I was considering going was to think that it was ridiculous. What happened to the girl who did things because it was fun and not because it was practical? When did I get so...afraid?
I thought that moving to Toronto would be a great opportunity for introspection and change because I was moving without a job and I was ready to open myself up to possibility and explore. But, as luck would have it, I found a job in my field before I even left Edmonton and because it was exactly what I thought I wanted, I quickly accepted it. I remember having conversations with friends many months ago where I talked about being excited to NOT work in an office and just serve coffee or work in a bar. I had daydreams of working part-time and filling my time with yoga and writing and meditation and thoughtful introspection about myself. But, when the job offer came along that was everything I wanted, the practical side of me demanded that I accept it. And, really, it's a great job - I have flexible hours, I have low stress, it's interesting and meaningful work, there's a workout room in the basement that I use all the time, I'm paid better than I've ever been paid before, I have excellent benefits, etc, etc, etc. I have everything I'd want except I don't think it's what I want right NOW.
There was an article in the Globe and Mail a couple weeks ago called something like "Failure to Launch". It was an article about twenty/thirty-somethings who are "adrift" and are delaying careers, moving back in with their parents, and (gasp) smoking pot. I think they actually referred to our generation as chronic underachievers. It made me think that while I don't exactly fit into that description, I do look at being adrift with a certain longing. If anything I feel like I launched too early and am now wanting to get off the ride. I have joined the rat race and I'm not sure if that *should* be the ultimate goal. Some of the people they profiled in that article were pretty loathsome (the girl who thinks that her parents should support her until she can afford a down payment on a house after they already paid for her university tuition AND a trip to Europe) but there are enviable qualities to the drifters.
I'm conflicted, obviously. Part of me craves stability and order in my life while the other part of me craves something extraordinary and spontaneous. I'm sure there is a way to reach a happy medium but I haven't quite discovered it yet. Have you?
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Something deep inside me screams that I am not made to sit in an office for 23.80% of my life (40 out of 168 hours in a week). While other people travelled after high school, after they completed University, or at some other time, I opted to work at full-time, career-related jobs instead. I was lucky to land well-paying jobs in my field and with student loans haunting me I felt that I had little choice but to work, work, work. To me, taking time off meant delaying the start of life. Some recent news has changed my perspective on the near future and has caused me to have a change of heart. Or at least, it's caused me consider having a change of heart.
Sure, working for the last while has been great for financial security and has given me lots of experience that looks good on a resume. But -- it's also limited the kinds of things I've done and has influenced the way I've lived my life. Getting up early everyday inhibits my activities on weekday nights. Having limited vacation time has meant that I've had to turn down trips and other opportunities. So, here I am, at the beginning of my third decade on the planet in an enviable financial state but, perhaps, a less enviable emotional one.
We had a party at our place on Saturday night and I was talking to a friend who is a die-hard Burning Man devotee. He proudly showed me the receipt for his recently bought ticket and asked if I was thinking of going. My immediate reaction was "No, of course not. How could I get off enough time? It's so far! How could I go? That's ridiculous" but instead of saying that I kind of hummed and hawed about it and ended my reply with something like "yeah, maybe someday". And he laughed at me and told me that with that kind of commitment I'd never get there. And though I don't think Burning Man is exactly what's missing in my life it *does* surprise me that my reaction to someone asking if I was considering going was to think that it was ridiculous. What happened to the girl who did things because it was fun and not because it was practical? When did I get so...afraid?
I thought that moving to Toronto would be a great opportunity for introspection and change because I was moving without a job and I was ready to open myself up to possibility and explore. But, as luck would have it, I found a job in my field before I even left Edmonton and because it was exactly what I thought I wanted, I quickly accepted it. I remember having conversations with friends many months ago where I talked about being excited to NOT work in an office and just serve coffee or work in a bar. I had daydreams of working part-time and filling my time with yoga and writing and meditation and thoughtful introspection about myself. But, when the job offer came along that was everything I wanted, the practical side of me demanded that I accept it. And, really, it's a great job - I have flexible hours, I have low stress, it's interesting and meaningful work, there's a workout room in the basement that I use all the time, I'm paid better than I've ever been paid before, I have excellent benefits, etc, etc, etc. I have everything I'd want except I don't think it's what I want right NOW.
There was an article in the Globe and Mail a couple weeks ago called something like "Failure to Launch". It was an article about twenty/thirty-somethings who are "adrift" and are delaying careers, moving back in with their parents, and (gasp) smoking pot. I think they actually referred to our generation as chronic underachievers. It made me think that while I don't exactly fit into that description, I do look at being adrift with a certain longing. If anything I feel like I launched too early and am now wanting to get off the ride. I have joined the rat race and I'm not sure if that *should* be the ultimate goal. Some of the people they profiled in that article were pretty loathsome (the girl who thinks that her parents should support her until she can afford a down payment on a house after they already paid for her university tuition AND a trip to Europe) but there are enviable qualities to the drifters.
I'm conflicted, obviously. Part of me craves stability and order in my life while the other part of me craves something extraordinary and spontaneous. I'm sure there is a way to reach a happy medium but I haven't quite discovered it yet. Have you?
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
posted by Leah at
10:57 p.m.
5 Comments
