Not Adrift
Time whirs by. It used to creep, it used to slink, but now it whirs. It's as if time has incorporated technological advancements and is now faster, lighter, sleeker - like a shiny new laptop, yet different. At the same time, I feel like I've slowed down, am puttering, and (dare I say) have stalled. This further amplifies the feeling that I am standing still while the world around me has been put on fast forward. It's wholly unpleasant and it makes me think that I have to do something about it.
Something deep inside me screams that I am not made to sit in an office for 23.80% of my life (40 out of 168 hours in a week). While other people travelled after high school, after they completed University, or at some other time, I opted to work at full-time, career-related jobs instead. I was lucky to land well-paying jobs in my field and with student loans haunting me I felt that I had little choice but to work, work, work. To me, taking time off meant delaying the start of life. Some recent news has changed my perspective on the near future and has caused me to have a change of heart. Or at least, it's caused me consider having a change of heart.
Sure, working for the last while has been great for financial security and has given me lots of experience that looks good on a resume. But -- it's also limited the kinds of things I've done and has influenced the way I've lived my life. Getting up early everyday inhibits my activities on weekday nights. Having limited vacation time has meant that I've had to turn down trips and other opportunities. So, here I am, at the beginning of my third decade on the planet in an enviable financial state but, perhaps, a less enviable emotional one.
We had a party at our place on Saturday night and I was talking to a friend who is a die-hard Burning Man devotee. He proudly showed me the receipt for his recently bought ticket and asked if I was thinking of going. My immediate reaction was "No, of course not. How could I get off enough time? It's so far! How could I go? That's ridiculous" but instead of saying that I kind of hummed and hawed about it and ended my reply with something like "yeah, maybe someday". And he laughed at me and told me that with that kind of commitment I'd never get there. And though I don't think Burning Man is exactly what's missing in my life it *does* surprise me that my reaction to someone asking if I was considering going was to think that it was ridiculous. What happened to the girl who did things because it was fun and not because it was practical? When did I get so...afraid?
I thought that moving to Toronto would be a great opportunity for introspection and change because I was moving without a job and I was ready to open myself up to possibility and explore. But, as luck would have it, I found a job in my field before I even left Edmonton and because it was exactly what I thought I wanted, I quickly accepted it. I remember having conversations with friends many months ago where I talked about being excited to NOT work in an office and just serve coffee or work in a bar. I had daydreams of working part-time and filling my time with yoga and writing and meditation and thoughtful introspection about myself. But, when the job offer came along that was everything I wanted, the practical side of me demanded that I accept it. And, really, it's a great job - I have flexible hours, I have low stress, it's interesting and meaningful work, there's a workout room in the basement that I use all the time, I'm paid better than I've ever been paid before, I have excellent benefits, etc, etc, etc. I have everything I'd want except I don't think it's what I want right NOW.
There was an article in the Globe and Mail a couple weeks ago called something like "Failure to Launch". It was an article about twenty/thirty-somethings who are "adrift" and are delaying careers, moving back in with their parents, and (gasp) smoking pot. I think they actually referred to our generation as chronic underachievers. It made me think that while I don't exactly fit into that description, I do look at being adrift with a certain longing. If anything I feel like I launched too early and am now wanting to get off the ride. I have joined the rat race and I'm not sure if that *should* be the ultimate goal. Some of the people they profiled in that article were pretty loathsome (the girl who thinks that her parents should support her until she can afford a down payment on a house after they already paid for her university tuition AND a trip to Europe) but there are enviable qualities to the drifters.
I'm conflicted, obviously. Part of me craves stability and order in my life while the other part of me craves something extraordinary and spontaneous. I'm sure there is a way to reach a happy medium but I haven't quite discovered it yet. Have you?
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Something deep inside me screams that I am not made to sit in an office for 23.80% of my life (40 out of 168 hours in a week). While other people travelled after high school, after they completed University, or at some other time, I opted to work at full-time, career-related jobs instead. I was lucky to land well-paying jobs in my field and with student loans haunting me I felt that I had little choice but to work, work, work. To me, taking time off meant delaying the start of life. Some recent news has changed my perspective on the near future and has caused me to have a change of heart. Or at least, it's caused me consider having a change of heart.
Sure, working for the last while has been great for financial security and has given me lots of experience that looks good on a resume. But -- it's also limited the kinds of things I've done and has influenced the way I've lived my life. Getting up early everyday inhibits my activities on weekday nights. Having limited vacation time has meant that I've had to turn down trips and other opportunities. So, here I am, at the beginning of my third decade on the planet in an enviable financial state but, perhaps, a less enviable emotional one.
We had a party at our place on Saturday night and I was talking to a friend who is a die-hard Burning Man devotee. He proudly showed me the receipt for his recently bought ticket and asked if I was thinking of going. My immediate reaction was "No, of course not. How could I get off enough time? It's so far! How could I go? That's ridiculous" but instead of saying that I kind of hummed and hawed about it and ended my reply with something like "yeah, maybe someday". And he laughed at me and told me that with that kind of commitment I'd never get there. And though I don't think Burning Man is exactly what's missing in my life it *does* surprise me that my reaction to someone asking if I was considering going was to think that it was ridiculous. What happened to the girl who did things because it was fun and not because it was practical? When did I get so...afraid?
I thought that moving to Toronto would be a great opportunity for introspection and change because I was moving without a job and I was ready to open myself up to possibility and explore. But, as luck would have it, I found a job in my field before I even left Edmonton and because it was exactly what I thought I wanted, I quickly accepted it. I remember having conversations with friends many months ago where I talked about being excited to NOT work in an office and just serve coffee or work in a bar. I had daydreams of working part-time and filling my time with yoga and writing and meditation and thoughtful introspection about myself. But, when the job offer came along that was everything I wanted, the practical side of me demanded that I accept it. And, really, it's a great job - I have flexible hours, I have low stress, it's interesting and meaningful work, there's a workout room in the basement that I use all the time, I'm paid better than I've ever been paid before, I have excellent benefits, etc, etc, etc. I have everything I'd want except I don't think it's what I want right NOW.
There was an article in the Globe and Mail a couple weeks ago called something like "Failure to Launch". It was an article about twenty/thirty-somethings who are "adrift" and are delaying careers, moving back in with their parents, and (gasp) smoking pot. I think they actually referred to our generation as chronic underachievers. It made me think that while I don't exactly fit into that description, I do look at being adrift with a certain longing. If anything I feel like I launched too early and am now wanting to get off the ride. I have joined the rat race and I'm not sure if that *should* be the ultimate goal. Some of the people they profiled in that article were pretty loathsome (the girl who thinks that her parents should support her until she can afford a down payment on a house after they already paid for her university tuition AND a trip to Europe) but there are enviable qualities to the drifters.
I'm conflicted, obviously. Part of me craves stability and order in my life while the other part of me craves something extraordinary and spontaneous. I'm sure there is a way to reach a happy medium but I haven't quite discovered it yet. Have you?
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
posted by Leah at
10:57 p.m.
5 Comments:
Oh Leah, I read your most recent update with great interest. I can certainly be counted among the "drifters" since I finished grad studies. While it has been quite the adventure, I do have some mixed feelings about it. It has been nice to be debt free and carefree, lively solely in the pursuit of happiness. However, there have been times where I've caught myself wondering if I should have got a real job and bought property to ride the choo-choo boom train in Alberta; especially lately. Just as I think it is my turn to start my "career-related" job, perhaps it is time for you to chill to the cool vibes of *your* universe. You've certainly earned it!
much love,
KP
Hey Leah. Don't feel that you're the only one in that boat. I followed a similar pattern - high school, university, then the "holy crap I have debts, must get real job". So I'm turning 26 this year and have been working at the same job for 2.5 years. Not ridiculous, I know, but it IS hard to leave a job that pays well, that makes you think, and that ultimately isn't BAD.
Just keep in mind that if you can get one good job, you can get another. Perhaps you should outline some goals for yourself in the next year. What do you really want to do? Perhaps a leave of absence to go travel? Perhaps save some cash, quit your job, and 'drift' for a while and work a few odd jobs (coffee bars, etc) here and there?
That being said, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I need to get out of the financial hole I'm in, and then re-evaluate my priorities and go from there. Personally, I'm working to play music... but not really, to be honest. Haven't toured, lose a ton of money on every recording... yeah. It helps to be brutally honest with yourself.
Anywho, I'm rambling. Good luck - you'll figure it out.
oh, how i feel you. from the time whirring by while you're standing still, to the jealousy and wanderlust , to the career-oriented angst. in fact, i have 2 blog posts specifically about these subjects if you haven't already:
http://www.amyleblanc.com/index.php?id=P1814&which=weblog
http://www.amyleblanc.com/index.php?id=P1831&which=weblog
even if burning man is not "your thing", it is indeed something that i think everyone with an open-mind would love to do once, even if just for the long weekend of thursday-monday, and it is partly because it's one of those things that doesn't really "make sense" to do. it's totally whacky, and completely ridiculous. that's why it's worth doing.
i'll cut short the burning man evangalism here, and just say that i've been feeling this feeling so much that i've made some serious life-changing plans for 2008. i will FINALLY be out of debt, and with that, i no longer have any excuse for hemming and hawing about travelling and experimenting with life.
you know that i've been back and forth on this road for a long time now. if i haven't already found a balance between the uber-responsible, home-owner, career kim and the fun-loving, party-girl kim, then maybe it's coming right up, maybe not. maybe i've managed to have just enough of both over the years to quell any craziness that might otherwise ensue. not sure. i *do* know that i am once again back in school, it's a butt-load of work, but i'm enjoying it. i know that this will get me closer to feeling that balance of being me and being *successful* on my own terms and enjoying life in general. nothing is written in concrete leah and if you're yearning for something to be different it's likely because it needs to be. recognizing stress induced triggers and actual desires to fulfill lifelong dreams is key, though. talk it over with friends and loved ones and you'll get where you need to be because that's just how life rolls. namaste. i miss you.
Its all about the Leave of Absence. Having a set amount of time to do your drifting provides structure, and having a job to come back to provides security. Its all about the Leave of Absence.
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